Baby Cheeses

It is one thing buying a huge half wheel of Stilton on account of it being on offer, but it is another thing entirely to actually eat the entire thing. Since purchasing this blue creamy beast several days ago, it has been crumbled and melted into all sorts of meals in a poor attempt to hack away at its fridge engulfing size, yet still somehow appears to be 2/3 of the size when purchased. Christmas is the time for cheeses right? Oh sorry, I mean Jesus*. But also cheeses. I know cheese exist so I feel far more comfortable assuming one of them was born on Christmas Day and to be honest, I’d be far happier celebrating about it too. I certainly eat cheese on Christmas Day and although I do also eat bread and drink red wine on December 25th, the thought – not least because I’m a veggie – that I’m gnawing on the skin and gulping the blood of a 2011 year old body is rather repulsive. Its amazing we don’t go the whole hog and eat spaghetti as his hair, lychees as his eyes and various other edible items until we get this odd image that Jesus was some sort of food man that has quite a hard time around birds.

Sorry, I didn’t mean this blog to be anti-religious in anyway. After a 5 day hiatus from writing I didn’t want to launch into a tirade of why a product from cows is better than the figurehead icon of an entire religion. However, it does feel appropriate after an odd incident yesterday at the most interesting gig of the week. This blog has been missing due to a daily dose of both Comedy Club 4 Kids shows at the BAC, travelling, and shows in the evening, all interspersed with a Daniel Kitson show at the National Theatre (far too good. Makes me wonder why I bother), Slava’s Snow Show at the Royal Festival Hall (Best. Show. Ever. Fact. Also only non-scary clowns in existence. Fact) and lovely drinks with friends. Essentially, I have barely had time to seriously tackle a half wheel of Stilton with the vigour it deserves, let alone give you daily updates of exactly how I’ve been going about it. Yesterday however, the evening ended with a show at the Occupy Camp at St Paul’s Cathedral.

I am ashamed to say I hadn’t actually been to the camp until yesterday and whilst I understand its depleted in numbers since its beginning, I still found it impressive. Sure I was constantly jumping between thoughts about their sentiments and what they are doing there alongside wondering how they could camp for so long in the cold, rain and constant bells of the cathedral. Then again, I’ve managed to sleep through drunken festival revellers falling against my tent to the hard base of dubstep so I suppose it’s not too indifferent. The show was to take place opposite the steps of the cathedral as part of an evening featuring the Occupy choir, and music from Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly, the King Blues and Lowkey amongst others. A top idea, despite the weather not complying with all of this and refusing to get warm in anyway.

I was concerned about doing the gig as I haven’t been keeping up with politics in the way I should have been lately. Its hard as it gets to Christmas to think about such things when you need to combat the Stilton giant, and so apart from applauding the incredible work of UK Uncut to unmask corporate tax dodging (it made the front page of the Daily Mail and the Telegraph. Amazing) and the occasional check to see that Europe is still in the continual downward economic spiral it’ll now apparently be on till next year, I’ve really not kept in touch or more importantly, written anything new.

But material wasn’t the main problem. Instead a bigger problem appeared to be the huge six foot something high priest, clutching his Bible who had previously been preaching the word (of the Bible, not the shit TV show featuring Terry ‘aptly named for this bit of blog’ Christian, though admittedly, this would have been funnier) to the people outside St Paul’s. As Nick Doody took to the stage to a great crowd of happy, cold (in temperature, not response) revellers, this priest swept on him in minutes, asking why he was swearing and why he was talking but not saying anything. Various Occupy people restrained him and he was taken to one side so that the others could explain to him what they were doing, but throughout Nick and then Chris Coltrane’s set he seemed to think he could continually interrupt the show. Yes, I know we were on the St Paul’s grounds. Yes, I know it wasn’t in a contained room or with paying audience, but still, a little restraint would’ve been nice if not civil. I understand the notion of not swearing at St Paul’s. It seems a tad disrespectful when you think about it (and I hadn’t until he said) and the Occupy camp are not there to disrespect the cathedral. It was also early evening, in a public area and you just don’t know who might be passing by that could take offence. However, to then say that we were ‘talking but not saying anything’ and complaining that we were talking at all, just seemed a bit rude. It’s fine for him to harp on at people about stories they may or may not believe and yet for us to ‘preach’ – and I use that term as loosely as possible – its a problem. I find that once again a member of the church is able to be more hypocritical than others. I can’t understand this constant demeaning of what Occupy are doing when, if we are, as Cameron said, to return the UK to Christian Values, then we should, like Jesus, cast out the bankers and turn the tables of the moneylenders. It seems Occupy are more in line with St Paul’s than they think.

During my set the priest just loomed in the crowd, right in front of me, shaking his head every time I said a joke. I refrained from swearing, as I thought that may help us reach some middle ground, but he didn’t even stop shaking his head when I stopped doing political jokes and finished on talking about Lionel Richie. Perhaps, you just aren’t allowed to appreciate any comedy if you don’t appreciate Christianity? Or, more likely, he wasn’t listening to anything anyone said and just assumed we were in the wrong. Either way, he has only spurned me to consider making a small effigy of the baby cheeses – babybel and er, those small cheddars you get at the supermarket. Less hypocrisy this Christmas everyone please? Although judging by the Tim Minchin track that was banned from Jonathan Ross’s chat show, its unlikely. Shame as it’s a bloody good song too:

TIM MINCHIN’S JESUS SONG

We are in the 21st century right guys? Guys? There is a difference between being distasteful and doing actual comedy isn’t there? Or having a political point? No? No? Sigh. Sometimes this world makes me very fed up. At least at the end of the day I know, thanks to Mega Stilton, I’ll have some awesome escapist dreams.

 

* I should note that this one of Bennet Aaron’s excellent jokes and I shan’t take credit for it.

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Slammin’ Eurocrisis

Some self PR today as it’s L’s birthday and we’re going for a day of fun times and birthday adventures. Jealous? You should be. So no real blog from me, but instead here are some things I put on the inter web yesterday in audio and visual times. I can’t work out how to embed either on shitty WordPress so just click the links. Enjoy and see you for a proper blog tomorrow:

 

MY SET ON EUROZONE CRISIS RECORDED AT LOLITICS ON MONDAY

 

 ME ON CBBC’S THE SLAMMER DOING RUBBISH ART

 

 

Planet Saving For Dummies

Sometimes its very easy to get disheartened with comedy and the world in general. Yesterday was one of those days that fully reaffirmed my faith in both. The Block The Bill, Block The Bridge demonstration yesterday, as organised by UK Uncut was a lovely sunny afternoon of very civil disobedience and one of the nicest afternoons I’ve had in 2011. Thousands of people turned up to show just how much they care about the most important institution in the UK, the NHS, and as Big Ben struck 1, it was an incredible sight to see the bridge amass with people playing dead. There was music, brilliant artwork, interesting people and I got to meet Chris Morris which nearly sent me into babbling mess. Despite a police presence there was no trouble at all, and the whole event, if nothing else, should show that we can stand-up to the misdemeanours of our government without fear of kettling or violence from the authorities. This shows we can do this again, and again and more and more people can join as is our right to be outspoken about the outcome of our country.

PANORAMIC VIEW OF THE BRIDGE

I was there as part of Comedy Block, a show to be performed on the bridge as part of the event. Initially it was to start at 1.30pm but due to a lack of sound system it seemed as though all proceedings would have to be called off, until around 3pm a bicycle powered sound system was discovered. With a variety of lovely volunteers pedalling away (the sound disappearing every time they slowed down or swapped) we finally kicked off and 8 acts, with Chris Coltrane hosting, performed for what was about 800-900 happy protestors. Going on first, and nervous about material I’d written that morning about Andrew Lansley, the show was a dream. Sure we were preaching to the converted – no one at that gig was going to heckle when we were all there for the same reasons – but the rush of performing as part of something that meant something was incredible.

I’d been feeling a tad lost since Edinburgh. After performing an hour show everyday that was based on my personal despair at this country’s current situation, to then suddenly go back to the clubs where political material isn’t what the stag and hen do’s want on a Friday after work, is a bit disheartening. Yet you can’t stop doing those gigs as they pay. I had found myself feeling a bit fed up with it all. Then yesterday changed that and fully made me realise why comedy is brilliant. Performing in front of such an amazing crowd, saying jokes that had a point of view behind them, and purpose and then watching acts such as Josie Long, Mark Thomas, Nat Tapley and more do the same, really made me realise what you can do as a performer. I realise that the high horse might well be back again for me to climb on board, but having the confidence and ability to write jokes that will both make people laugh and maybe encourage them to do more is one of the best feelings in the world. Just having a reason to be part of something that may (and I sadly don’t think it will) make a difference to the bill on Tuesday makes it feel like its worth it.

MY SET AT THE BLOCK THE BILL, BLOCK THE BRIDGE PROTEST

 

I’m not saying you have to do stand-up to make a difference. Everyone there yesterday did it in their own way. Some made banners, some brought instruments, some were just there, and believe me, that’s enough. The protest made its way onto most news outlets (BBC being the slowest and nearest to making derogatory remarks as per usual), which meant people know there is opposition to the bill. That’s all we need to do. Let everyone, especially parliament know we aren’t happy with the destruction of the NHS – something Cameron promised he wouldn’t let happen and once again lied. If you care, then next time remember that there are never ‘enough people going already’. Just rock up, have a great afternoon watching comedy and do so knowing that you are helping change the UK.

 

Lastly, I met someone on the bridge yesterday that was explaining that as the bill is likely to go through, the best we can hope for is that the Lords let it be examined by a special commission. This would mean it isn’t just sent back to the Commons unchanged, but nor are the most destructive parts just overlooked. We only have a day to make any difference so I will post her email, pretty much word for word, below. Please take note and if nothing else, take two minutes out to email a Lord with your requests. Yes it looks like a lot of info but have a read and then you can make it all easier by choosing which Lord to email by using this site:

CONTACT A LORD

Here’s the emails:

 

Hello again, 

It was really good to meet you today.

 

A quick summary of why it’s so important to draw people’s attention to the Hennessy / Owen amendments is at the end of this email.

 

Emails to members of the House of Lords can be short. Something like:

 

Subject: Please support Hennessy & Owen’s amendments in full

 

Dear…,

 

Please support the amendments to the Health and Social Care Bill tabled by Lords Hennessy and Owen. Their proposal offers a way out of the current deadlock for all concerned. It will allow the Bill to continue its passage through Parliament, whilst the most high risk, controversial parts will be referred to a Select Committee for further consideration by the legal and medical experts in the House. As a result, the NHS will be able to get on with its work, Lansley will get his legislation and those opposing the Bill will finally have their concerns properly addressed. This proposal will not stop the progress of this Bill but it will ensure that when it becomes law, it is not toxic to the NHS.

 

Yours sincerely,

…

 

Email addresses are in the attached excel sheet. Where there isn’t an address, click the link and it will take you directly to the relevant page for emailing them via the web.

 

Short, personal emails are most effective. It would help to say things like ‘I’m writing to you because I know you have an interest in health and also law’ but it isn’t essential [details of the Peers are in the excel].

 

The debate is on Tuesday – the actual vote is Wednesday afternoon.

 

Please pass this on as widely as possible – Labour have agreed to vote in favour of the proposal but we need to convince 80 Bishops, and Crossbench and Lib-Dem Peers to vote in favour too.

 

Why the Hennessy / Owen amendments are so important:

 

Ø  On Tuesday, the Lords will decide whether they are going to vote the Health and Social Care Bill out completely [extremely unlikely] or whether they will proceed with it.

Ø  If they don’t vote it out, it will be debated in the House of Lords.

Ø  Ideally, the Bill would be referred to a Select Committee: a sub-group of the Lords including medical and legal experts who would have as much time as they need to properly address the concerns about the Bill.

Ø  However, it’s very rare for a Select Committee to be set up – and it isn’t going to happen here.

Ø  So all members of the House of Lords will have the opportunity to take part in the debate. Which means the time available will be limited and the debate will be pretty superficial – as it was in the Commons.

Ø  Lords Peter Hennessy and David Owen are proposing an alternative.

Ø  They are suggesting that part of the Bill is discussed, as usual, by the whole House. In reality that part it will become law fairly soon.

Ø  But the most risky, controversial parts would be referred to a Select Committee [I can send details if you want to know more].

Ø  This is not a perfect solution but it’s the best option we have. Unless this happens, there is very high likelihood that the Bill will become law with its most dangerous aspects still largely intact.

Ø  David Owen has been way ahead of everyone in his understanding of this Bill. He predicted months ago that the Bill would get through the Commons largely unaltered. It did. He immediately recognised the significance of removing the legal duty on the Secretary of State to provide health services in England. This is now widely recognised as a central concern. He understands that this Bill is still, in effect, a proposal to abolish the NHS.

Ø  The Hennessy / Owen amendments are qualitatively different to the other amendments tabled for discussion in the Lords on Tuesday. They are not proposing specific changes to the Bill. Instead they are providing a way of ensuring the worst of the Bill is properly examined and the necessary changes made before it becomes law.

Ø  Unfortunately, it is taking too long for members of the House of Lords to realise the importance of this proposal.

Ø  The government realises. Which is why senior members of government are currently doing everything possible to persuade the Lords not support this proposal. Yet again they are saying they will amend the Bill to ensure the outstanding concerns are addressed.

Ø  Meanwhile, Lansley has been boasting in meetings that the Bill is a done deal and that the fundamental aspects of the Bill remain unaltered.

And email two:

The link to the Keep Our NHS Public [KONP] website is: http://www.keepournhspublic.com/index.php
but there isn’t specific information about the Hennessy / Owen amendments on there as they were only tabled last Tuesday. But KONP is supporting this proposal.
A good example of what we’re worried about is the current story about the GP practice in York who sent letters out to their patients saying that certain services were no longer available on the NHS and telling them where they could buy these treatments privately. One of the companies they suggested was owned by them [http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/oct/04/nhs-charging-operations-york?newsfeed=true]. People might say ‘That’s OK it’s only ingrowing toe nails – why shouldn’t we pay for that sort of thing?’ The problem that this is just a start:
- decisions about what is and isn’t available on the NHS will be made locally [so there will be huge variation];
- patients will have to pay for health care [or go without];
- there will be conflicts of interest [these GPs stand to benefit personally];
- there will be issues about how patients’ information is passed onto;
- there will be limits to how much we can find out about private companies through the freedom of information act [www.cfoi.org.uk/foi060911pr.html];
- these changes haven’t been made law but are already happening…
An example of how health care in the UK is big business – and of how multinationals for example are set to take over large chunks of the NHS – can be found on the Spinwatch website. The government has been in talks with a German company about the take over of up to 20 hospitals:
The Bill also makes it possible for NHS property to be transferred to the NHS: http://www.dutytoprovide.net/
In short…If the Government’s proposed changes go ahead, “private companies would be entitled to run much of the NHS” and “market forces would determine the way many health services are provided”http://www.dutytoprovide.net/2011/08/27/the-stage-is-set-for-market-forces-to-dictate-the-nhs-despite-recent-assurances-from-the-department-of-health/.
A book worth reading is Deadly Spin by Wendell Potter, who used to work for the private health insurance business in the US. It explains how, once the private health industry gets hold of the NHS, it’s not going to be possible to make it let go again.
The book everyone should read is NHS Plc by Allyson Pollack which explains how we came to be on the brink of losing the NHS to a commercial, American-style system of health-care.
I attended a conference recently at which Lansley spoke. He said he believes, as Machiavelli did, that ‘when you propose a change, everyone will disagree with you’. Therefore ‘you have to do it quickly’.  He said he came into the job with a vision and that he is still convinced he’s right. He’s has, he said, been working on this Bill for 8 years [in fact he laid out his principles for the NHS in a speech in 2005 - these now form the framework for the current Bill: www.andrewlansley.co.uk/newsevent.php?newseventid=21]. Apparently Lansley sees himself as the modern equivalent of John Snow, the nineteenth century hero of public health. Sadly, wanting to be John Snow is not the same as being John Snow. He actually has more in common with his other hero Machiavelli -  he clearly seems to feel morally justified in achieving his goals by any means necessary. So far he has out-manoeuvred us all. I sincerely believe that only this proposal by Peter Hennessy and David Owen will stop the complete dismantling of the legal framework that’s protected the NHS to date. But they need our help…

Time For Tiernonion

TIME TO LEARN

Last night I was talking to one of the waitresses at my gig. I was timing the excellent Jeff Innocent so I could tell him when he’d done 16 minutes at his request, and due to a few beers I had completely forgotten when he started so I showed the waitress my watch and asked her if she knew how long he’d be on for. She replied by telling me that she couldn’t tell the time on clocks and could only use analog to understand it. She must’ve been about 19 and had to have gone to school at some point, at least for a while, so how this was possible blew my tiny mind. I seem to remember being taught how to tell the time from a clock from a very early age. Trying to then understand the 24 hour clock proved more of a challenge when I couldn’t figure out where those extra numbers would go around a clock face. It seemed amazing to me though that this age old traditional way of working out at what point of the day we were at, was completely lost on this young woman.

It raced through my mind how many things she must be missing out on. Fear when Big Ben strikes for seemingly no reason, confusion at the tale of Three Blind Mice, a lack of understanding about the terrible old ‘How does Michael Jackson tell when its time to go to bed?’ etc etc. She seemed fairly intelligent in every other way and so it led me to believe that either, as everyone has, it was her one point of contention, the one thing her brain couldn’t comprehend and yet perhaps somewhere in that cerbral cortex she can unravel quantum physics in a matter of seconds. Or the other reason is that she just doesn’t want to ever learn it. I suppose nowadays you just don’t need to. Phones and watches show you the time in digits. Occasionally if you ask someone the time, instead of grunting at you, they will actually tell you. Maybe she was adopting the ways of that newfound tribe in Africa who have no concept of time and it’s of no importance to the way she lives her life?

Either way I felt it to take it upon myself to tell her that there is always time to learn. She responded by asking where it says that on the clock and I decided just to pretend I knew how long Jeff had been onstage and stopped talking to her.

 

ONION

Further ponderings of odd human behaviour. On Friday myself and L ordered a curry from her nearby curry establishment. Returning home after collecting it, I opened my mutter paneer to find that in amongst the sauce and paneer, there was also two thirds of an entire, and rather large onion. The dish also contained onion anyway, but here, as some sort of offering, was most of the rest of it, as though its remains were trying to group themselves back together to form a whole.

All the rest of our dishes were prepared properly and I spent ages racking my brain as to whether when ordering they had misheard my name ‘Tiernonion’ or perhaps upon hearing my voice decided I needed as many anti-carconagens as possible. I have worked in a restaurant and there are often bouts of boredom that result in odd decisions. Once someone ended up with far too many chillis just to spite them, once someone ended up with only one piece of tofu but it was huge. Therefore they were unable to complain about quantity of tofu yet unhappy with the size and dimensions of said piece.

I felt very much that this is what may have happened to me. A simple discussion along the lines of ‘hey, you reckon this guy likes onion?’ ‘Yeah I reckon he really does.’ ‘Let’s see just how much.’ Cue the throwing of an almost entire onion. Or its possible that they just dropped an onion in by accident and I should feel exceptionally lucky it wasn’t anything else. To be fair, when we collected the food (therefore applying the actual term ‘takeaway’ for pedancy’s sake) they argued with us about whether or not we were sure it was our order. Checking through everything, we were pretty sure it was. Now, in retrospect, I worry Tiernonion is out there feeling horribly deprived.

 

A LOVELY MENTION

Mark Thomas gave me a lovely mention in today’s Observer, along with Josie Long and Chris Coltrane. Its all a bit nice of him. Have a read:

 

GLASTONBURY’S RADICAL ROOTS WILL RETURN – THE OBSERVER

FYI: OMG LOL

Language is constantly changing. In the time I’ve been alive ‘bad’ has come to mean good, ‘ming’ is no longer just a type of vase and ‘shit off’ is a valid phrase. Yet today Twitter is in uproar about the acronyms OMG, FYI and LOL being added to the Oxford English Dictionary. I can’t say I’ve ever been a huge fan of any of these phrases. FYI sometimes leaks its way into my emails to save me typing any further sentence or explanation and assuming the receiver can just read the below without further prompt. For that I applaud it’s use. OMG however and LOL are both terms that I have only ever used with extreme sarcasm, often to point out the extensive levels of boredom something has caused or how incredibly unfunny something might be. Nat and Tom have a very funny game where sometimes they email each other incredibly dull tweets with the subject line ‘OMG look what so and so’s written!’ only to click and discover that person is ‘having a cup of tea’ or something as equally mind numbing. Its three letters that can instantly sum up the user’s personality in a second. If said in an over the top, taking the piss tone, then you can assume the speaker is a hilarious wit and an all together good egg. If used with serious excitement, genuine concern or in fact any emotion rather than sheer mockery, its likely they are a vacuous waste of human flesh ie Peaches Geldof. If the OED definition uses this as its rightful meaning I will be extremely proud.

LOL similarly should be used with caution. Its extremely rare that anything I have ever read on a screen has ever made me Laugh Out Loud. There have been several smirks, the occasional smile, and millions of non-plussed noises. So when something has actually made me guffaw to myself whilst sitting at my laptop, it feels churlish to merely reduce such joy to three letters. Not only that but I worry that it will destroy the meaning of the word ‘loll’ which ironically probably describes most users of ‘LOL’. Other words that have entered include ‘dotbomb’ a phrase which I have never heard before and was worried was a new type of dangerous micro weapon, ‘ego-surfing’ which I am a victim of and often wave my fists in the air wishing I had a name that would disappear into google more easily, and the heart symbol, which will help anyone who only reads Wingdings.

But overall we should look at the positives of all this. Firstly Scrabble will become easier. Especially when playing against elderly relatives who won’t have a clue what ‘FYI’ means as you slam it down on the board, scoring a 9 pointer at least and then as they check the dictionary for proof, lampooning them with a victory dance as you kick over their ridiculous classic words and spit cold tea in their face screaming ‘Take that Nan! Your time is up!’ Then there are all those school kids who up until now have suffered low exam results for text speak spelling, suddenly becoming high scorers, progressing to Oxford and running our government until the Houses of Parliament are all shouting ‘LOL’ everytime someone says something that vaguely resembles a joke. Then we have the possibilities that over time all speak will be abbreviated until there is more time in everyone’s lives and boring conversations will fly by in seconds, meetings will be reduced to one dullard saying ‘SWHROT (So we haven’t reached our targets) TCIGIL (The Company is going into liquidation) YAF (you’re all fired)’ everyone else saying ‘OMG’ and then they all leave.

All I’m saying is that it can all only be a good thing. I look forward to the day this all progresses and we all end up talking Nadsat, right right droogs?

Quick other note, as I will talk about this more tomorrow, but there is a big protest against the cuts tomorrow. Do you hate the cuts? If you say no, you’re an idiot, or very rich. Either way you should probably stop reading this blog as it will either have confused or upset you many times by now. Anyway, the protest will be excellent, and at 2pm I’ll be taking part in occupying a bank or tax dodging company shop to do a gig in it with Josie Long, Mark Thomas and Chris Coltrane among others. It will be awesome. Come protest and laugh. Laughtest. Prough. Details below.

STAND UP FOR THE ALTERNATIVE