Ranty Rant Rant

I’m a whole bundle of vexed this morning. Not sure what a bundle of vexed would be like but I suspect it to be like the creature in Brett Easton Ellis’ Lunar Park. If haven’t read that, imagine Gnasher trying to eat himself. That’s probably about right. Why such rage oh Tiernan? Well blogees, let me tell you. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Good, that makes me feel slightly happier. So let’s start with selfish reasons to be a mini Zack De La Rocha:

Last night I had a mediocre gig. Yes, this could well be my fault. There have been several occurrences where my own incompetence or lack of experience has meant I’ve delivered a less than perfect show, and last night my slightly muggy head didn’t put me in as competitor for the best Friday night comedian awards. However, the main reason things weren’t stupendous and brilliant was because the room I was in was not at all suitable for comedy. There’s very little you need to get comedy right and while the audience may have had the things they need – good viewpoints, ability to hear – the comedians didn’t. From the stage it was impossible to hear anything the audience said due to acoustics, meaning as a compere I struggled to hear any responses often giving retorts that were way off the mark and a total inability to deal with heckles. On top of this, the lighting was so bright I could only see the front row, and every time I spoke I could hear my own voice echoed back at me three times. Essentially this gig was an ambush trap for MCs. The only way to play it was to do material out to the crowd completely ignoring them and making the whole event feel like we were just reading scripts out to a brick wall, as the laughter dissipated around the audience and not at all back to the acts. Yet this place runs comedy every Friday and Saturday night, knowing full well it should never have comedy in it. If you want comedians to give a good show, you have to at least let them have the tools they need to do that, rather than let them play with a handicap. I’ve got to compere again tonight, which is a shame. At least this time I’ll know not to give a shit, plough through and get off, feeling sorry for the audience that has to endure that.

Right, anger making thing number 2. Slightly less selfish this one:

Cameron and Osborne today have stated that the Eurozone crisis will affect the UK, warning that cuts will get harder. This is, once again, a huge bullshit tactic to make everyone accept another series of awful ‘money saving’ strategies that the government wouldn’t be able to get away with without an excuse. The Eurozone crisis won’t affect the UK in a way that will need to take cuts from the public sector. The UK is donating £40bn which it has from a reserve and has made concessions for as part of its overall cuts plan. Aside from that we still have to remember that while some countries in Europe are suffering that the UK still has its triple A credit rating, something even the US doesn’t have, as our debt is still far less than most Western countries. In fact investors are still very keen on pouring money into the UK, not least because of our tax avoidance system. The trouble is that the government don’t want to make that clear otherwise they would receive a much larger objection to their destruction of the welfare system, British education and public sector jobs, nor would they be able to allow the private sector to barge in and fill their pockets in quite the same way.

We have had, in one week, news stories about cuts to the army, William Hague receiving money from an oil company to bribe investment in Libya, MP’s telling the workers they can have a ‘token 15 minute strike’ – which is the most patronising thing I’ve ever heard, like telling a child they can have a sweet if they just calm down, an NHS hospital being privatised (which it appears, was actually introduced by Labour under Blair, and has been carried on by this government, proving that all the parties have the same selfish interests at heart) at the same time as we’re being told NHS patient treatment is poor. At no point are we told that the NHS would have better treatment if it was given better funding and care, and staff workers weren’t so overloaded with patients. At no point is the direction of the news in defence of our healthcare system. It’s just getting very tiresome hearing again and again why we should tolerate all these actions and yet the excuses and reasons are holding less and less water. I hope on November 30th all the union workers strike all day and damage our not as bad as you’d think economy as much as they can to make a mark.

 

Steam released. There will be jokes again tomorrow. Unless tonight’s gig sucks them from my soul.

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False Promises

I have just had to turn off the Obama and Cameron press talk after getting far too annoyed at hearing comments on how lives in Libya have been saved and that their talks this morning have been about keeping ‘our people safe’. Easy to say something like that from a beautiful barbeque with no expense spared while others watch from home or work worried about their increasing debt and possible unemployment. I’m feeling far too cynical this week to get sucked up into the schmaltz of hearing how the two leaders played ping pong with students in a South London school, avoiding all mention of those same students lack of university prospects in the future. Its just getting so repetetive how often we are promised that these people care from their high up thrones, yet the actual realisation of such promises never seems to deliver.

 

Ooh, a rather preachy beginning to the blog Douieb? Well yes. I feel I have every reason to today after an incident last night. After seeing Mark Thomas’s excellent and inspiring new show ‘Extreme Rambling’ about walking the wall between Israel and the West Bank, myself and L (new girlf’s initial. I feel for her sake privacy should be somewhat respected in these blogs incase, y’know, she gets mobbed by all my jealous female fans. All one of my jealous female fans. Not that imaginary people can hurt or mob anyone, but y’know….) had the pleasure of Mark’s company for the journey all the way home. He told us of various new ventures, and tales of his earlier days on the circuit all of which made me very much feel like I am indeed doing the right thing with my often silly life and it put a kick in my step for the rest of the night. There is something about watching stand-up that not only does the initial purpose of making you laugh, but also so so much more in educating and having a point of view. I’m still in awe of stand-ups that can leave me with an ache from laughing so hard, but a tear in my eye from the message given. Speaking to Mark very much affirmed this is how stand-up can be and often should be, and although it may not earn as much money as the stand-up that doesn’t, its the type that will ultimately mean more to people.

 

So anyway, gushing aside, when changing tubes halfway, we looked for seats to sit together on the new carriage. Opposite us was a black man of possibly Somalian descent, sitting legs wide apart with a can of special brew in his hands and very red eyes. I give you his description not to fulfill any prejudices but more to sadly highlight some of mine that I often think I don’t have and am occasionally shocked by my own behaviour, though I should point out my next decision was entirely based on the possibility of being sicked on. I took one look at him and decided that I wouldn’t sit next to him, opposite Mark, as I had originally intended. L, without saying anything, did a similar thing and we all just sat in a row ignoring this ‘drunkard’ and getting on with our chat. Then he started to be a bit sick. We all looked at him wondering if he was ok. Mark was first to ask him and while I’d like to tell you that I would have done it if he wouldn’t, as in past experiences I have, I’m not 100% I could say it would have been the my first reaction. The man sat up quite sharply and looked at us all. He asked what Mark had said, and Mark repeated his concerns to which the man replied ‘No, I am not. I am overqualified and unemployed.’ He was incredibly well spoken and either a lot less drunk than we had given credit for, or held himself together very well.

 

Mark engaged him in conversation and it appeared he had graduated from Oxford in 1991, alongside Ed Milliband and Louis Theroux, being one of the first black college heads at Oxford Uni ever. We never found out what he did for a living but it transpired that due to cuts and possible racial discrimination he was out of work and very depressed. He had tried to kill himself several times and had constantly failed. Myself and L looked at him feeling ashamed on our initial judgement. Here was someone who’s entire life is lower than mine has ever been, his red eyes most likely from crying rather than substance abuse, yet I has assumed him a possible nuisance and avoided at first sight. He got to his stop before we could talk more, thanked us for meeting us and told us that it is not all bad because he is still alive and that’s all that matters. As he stumbled off, shaking each of our hands in turn, I felt his final phrase twang at the heart strings and a further growing contempt for this country and the way in which it treats our people.

 

So when watching the President and Prime Minster say they are all about ‘keeping our people safe’ it just makes me wonder how bad things have got for those people and if they are going to ever live up to their word about fixing this or instead revel in their wealth while people like the man from the tube hold onto life with the sole purpose of living and very little else.

 

If you can see Mark Thomas’s show whilst its still touring, or at Latitude, Glastonbury or Edinburgh then do. Its real actual crafted stand up and storytelling that does far far more than it could ever say on the tin. I can only hope that one day I can even come close to doing such a show.

Demonstrating Peacefully

Ignore what you’ve read on the news today, yesterday’s protest was nothing but a peaceful affair full of a happy unity between all those who felt they needed to speak out against the cuts happening in the UK. It really saddens me to read that over 150 harmless UK Uncut activists – the same people that sat patiently watching our gig in Soho Square yesterday afternoon, applauding and laughing away, the same people who were reported on Twitter by customers at Fortnum and Mason being respectful to the shop as they occupied it, posing neither a threat or a menace while making their point – have been locked up at various police stations around London. Once again, despite knowing that they too may be soon losing their jobs, there are reports of police attacking protesters with little provocation, a friend of mine witnessing a huge bulk of a cop punch a man passing by, letting the situation escalate into a full blown scuffle. On top of this several witnesses have stated that they saw a Sky News reporter pay someone to throw a brick at a bank window for the camera. What began as a wonderful day has again been twisted and warped by media and authority so that the people that want to be heard are dismissed as being associated with vandals.

I had a brilliant day yesterday. Starting with a hilarious incident on the tube, as it sat stuck in a tunnel before Waterloo, there was the usual huffing and puffing of annoyance with TFL. Then suddenly a man from Shropshire TUC shouted ‘They’re kettling us before we’ve even begun!’ and laughter erupted down the carriage. I walked from the station across the river, stopping to take pictures of the incredible march that seemed to go on forever. Banners both serious and humorous (my favourite was ‘I wish my boyfriend was as dirty as your policies’. Brilliant), musicians playing instruments, the less musically capable playing vuvuzelas, and everyone chanting, laughing, meeting new people and having fun. I darted through bits of the march to meet my friends Suze and Marlon at Trafalgar Square and it seemed as though London was filled with people who had no intention of causing trouble, but wanted the world to know they were unhappy with the way we have all been treated.

Joining the rest of the UK Uncut lot at Soho Square I has some apprehensions about occupying a bank to do our gig in. This is mainly because I am a wuss at such things, and being handed a ‘bust card’ (note: this doesn’t mean I can touch boobs when I like unfortunately), I didn’t give the reponse of appreciation that others did, but more a sigh of worry at the idea of being arrested. The police were already crowding round, and several helicopters circling overhead. As we headed towards our place of occupation, we discovered that the cops had done their research and closed all the banks and tax dodging shops in anticipation so we darted back into Soho Square. There, to at least 100 people, Chris Coltrane hosted a gig that featured Josie Long, Mark Thomas, several other acts and myself, that caused a response of exhilaration, excitement and giggles. Each using gags to have a go at current issues, it felt like (and without fear of sounding wanky) we were doing comedy with a purpose, something that was cemented by being notified of this on the Guardian website:

FULL ARTICLE HERE

’4.17pm: Jamie Kelsey, a contributing editor of the New Internationalist magazine who is at the demonstration, says that the protest is providing a political education to many young people in attendance.

We’re at Oxford Circus at the moment and it’s a really excellent festival atmosphere. I just spoke to two teenagers aged 17 and 19 who have come from the comedy show in Soho Square, and they said that what they heard there made them think more than anything they have ever learnt at school. It’s their first demonstration and when I asked why they came they said they realised that the demonstration is about more than just the UK.

They can understand the connection between the shops and the banks that people are target ting and the global situation that is effecting everyone. They’ve heard Mark Thomas and a disabled comedian and Johann Hari speak. For these teenagers the protest is absolutely opening their minds to a much wider picture. It’s very exciting.’

And that makes it worth it as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully events like that, the majority of the march and all those who enjoyed yesterday will go away and spread the word that the news isn’t telling the truth and there is a point to protesting. Yes Vince Cable today said they wouldn’t be changing anything, but at least they know that we aren’t going to just sit down and take it. Protests will keep happening and hopefully the worse things get the more people will join in stating their upset. I hope that all those who are currently in police stations for merely standing up for what they believe in and opposing large companies stealing money from this country while disability benefits are being cut, are all ok. Thoughts go to you and everyone who suffered unnecessary violence and victimisation at what would have been, sans police, a truly brilliant day. For anyone who wasn’t there, all I ask is you read @PennyRed, @JohannHari101 and @chris_coltrane’s Twitter feed as well as accounts of people who were there to find out what really happened and not how Murdoch and Cameron have told the press to say it.

Right I shall get off my high Shetland pony now and return to the non-activism I’ve been exhibiting all day as I stay on the sofa.

March March March March

Can’t blog for long as getting ready to race off to join the march against the cuts in Central London today. I rather foolishly decided, after returning home from gigging in the Isle of Wight quite late last night, that I would merely rock up to the march after a sleep-in, then peruse around town till this at 2pm: http://is.gd/qTRX42. It has since struck me that at least 100,000 people will be on today’s march and there won’t be much chance of perusing anything. So in an attempt to gain back some of my political integrity – not that I had any to begin with – I’m wolfing down my Sainbury’s own rice krispies in a fashion that will make only my stomach go snip, krickle and pap (the sounds of a fake) and racing out of the door to get my chanty stomp on. I have a feeling today is going to be brilliant. As I watch from my laptop, already the crowds at Southbank stretch all the way back to St Paul’s cathedral. I just hope that it stays peaceful, and by that I mean I hope that the police don’t intrude and screw things up. If all is left to its path then I think it should proceed as planned, everyone have a good day expressing their dismay at the coalition and the IPCC can have a bit of a breather for once.

I am a tad worried about occupying a bank later. I hate to be selfish about these things but if I get kettled then I might not make it to my gig tonight and that’s a pay cheque I could do with and many people that’ll be let down. Its a worrying concern when money overrides my need to complain about people’s greed. I can’t help but feel its probably a bit contradictory. Then again you could argue that were the arseholes in the banking world less hoarding with the country’s cash that maybe we could all earn a bit less and still survive. Or just as likely, I need extra funding for the pub. Sigh. Still if I am kettled at least it will be with other comics I like and Johann Hari who I look forward to meeting. I am bringing some water and a banana so that should sustain me for a while and if all else fails I can pull the excellent ‘I’m a diabetic’ card and see if it works. It shouldn’t work. Us diabetics are pretty resilient. Apart from the shit one in Con Air who makes me constantly sad. He complains that he needs his insulin or he’ll die – rubbish, he’d just have high blood sugars for a while. Then he gets his insulin and someone shoots him. As far as I’m concerned he was never part of our fraternity.

Anyway, I hope you’re on the march too. Today is one of those opportunities to have a say about the way in which our country is run (into the ground – ooh satire) and for every person that assumes ‘oh well there are enough people there already’ that’s another point on Cameron’s score card. Without meaning to get on my high Shetland pony (I’m only small. A horse would be too big) it strikes me as amazing that anyone would be happy with what’s going on right now and if you give an iota of a crap you should say so. That’s my opinion anyway and everyone’s entitled to one. Raaa and other proactive noises. I’m off to go shout ‘down with things’ and that. See you at the gig at 2pm!

FYI: OMG LOL

Language is constantly changing. In the time I’ve been alive ‘bad’ has come to mean good, ‘ming’ is no longer just a type of vase and ‘shit off’ is a valid phrase. Yet today Twitter is in uproar about the acronyms OMG, FYI and LOL being added to the Oxford English Dictionary. I can’t say I’ve ever been a huge fan of any of these phrases. FYI sometimes leaks its way into my emails to save me typing any further sentence or explanation and assuming the receiver can just read the below without further prompt. For that I applaud it’s use. OMG however and LOL are both terms that I have only ever used with extreme sarcasm, often to point out the extensive levels of boredom something has caused or how incredibly unfunny something might be. Nat and Tom have a very funny game where sometimes they email each other incredibly dull tweets with the subject line ‘OMG look what so and so’s written!’ only to click and discover that person is ‘having a cup of tea’ or something as equally mind numbing. Its three letters that can instantly sum up the user’s personality in a second. If said in an over the top, taking the piss tone, then you can assume the speaker is a hilarious wit and an all together good egg. If used with serious excitement, genuine concern or in fact any emotion rather than sheer mockery, its likely they are a vacuous waste of human flesh ie Peaches Geldof. If the OED definition uses this as its rightful meaning I will be extremely proud.

LOL similarly should be used with caution. Its extremely rare that anything I have ever read on a screen has ever made me Laugh Out Loud. There have been several smirks, the occasional smile, and millions of non-plussed noises. So when something has actually made me guffaw to myself whilst sitting at my laptop, it feels churlish to merely reduce such joy to three letters. Not only that but I worry that it will destroy the meaning of the word ‘loll’ which ironically probably describes most users of ‘LOL’. Other words that have entered include ‘dotbomb’ a phrase which I have never heard before and was worried was a new type of dangerous micro weapon, ‘ego-surfing’ which I am a victim of and often wave my fists in the air wishing I had a name that would disappear into google more easily, and the heart symbol, which will help anyone who only reads Wingdings.

But overall we should look at the positives of all this. Firstly Scrabble will become easier. Especially when playing against elderly relatives who won’t have a clue what ‘FYI’ means as you slam it down on the board, scoring a 9 pointer at least and then as they check the dictionary for proof, lampooning them with a victory dance as you kick over their ridiculous classic words and spit cold tea in their face screaming ‘Take that Nan! Your time is up!’ Then there are all those school kids who up until now have suffered low exam results for text speak spelling, suddenly becoming high scorers, progressing to Oxford and running our government until the Houses of Parliament are all shouting ‘LOL’ everytime someone says something that vaguely resembles a joke. Then we have the possibilities that over time all speak will be abbreviated until there is more time in everyone’s lives and boring conversations will fly by in seconds, meetings will be reduced to one dullard saying ‘SWHROT (So we haven’t reached our targets) TCIGIL (The Company is going into liquidation) YAF (you’re all fired)’ everyone else saying ‘OMG’ and then they all leave.

All I’m saying is that it can all only be a good thing. I look forward to the day this all progresses and we all end up talking Nadsat, right right droogs?

Quick other note, as I will talk about this more tomorrow, but there is a big protest against the cuts tomorrow. Do you hate the cuts? If you say no, you’re an idiot, or very rich. Either way you should probably stop reading this blog as it will either have confused or upset you many times by now. Anyway, the protest will be excellent, and at 2pm I’ll be taking part in occupying a bank or tax dodging company shop to do a gig in it with Josie Long, Mark Thomas and Chris Coltrane among others. It will be awesome. Come protest and laugh. Laughtest. Prough. Details below.

STAND UP FOR THE ALTERNATIVE