My Slanderous Blog

This post was meant to be on the Huffington Post this week, but er, legally, cos of the things it says in it. So, knowing full well it contains libel and probably slander, here it is, in full form. Enjoy! btw it was written on Sunday so sorry if its out of date about anything.

 

 

Do any of you remember the beginning of the Warner Brothers cartoon ‘<a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJPFSNu_QNs” target=”_hplink”>Pinky and The Brain</a>’ that had Pinky asking The Brain ‘Hey Brain what do you want to do tonight?’ with Brain responding ‘same thing we always do Pinky. Try to take over the world.’ Yeah? That’s exactly how I imagine every meeting in number 10 between Cameron and Osborne. The parts are interchangeable of course, especially as brain looks more like Iain Duncan Smith and oddly, I think the only MP that looks at all close to Pinky is Lembit Opik and they won’t let him anywhere parliament let alone number 10, or even Europop stars anymore. It just feels like the Conservatives aren’t really even trying anymore. Way back in 2010, all revving up for the election, I had many a suspicion that Cameron and his cronies were going to do awful things, but that’s in large to do with my upbringing, Conservatives throughout history, and Cameron’s horrible smug, slightly swollen face. But at least they were trying to pretend they might do good things back then. There was all the economic growth that was promised, the solemn oath that they wouldn’t touch the NHS, etc etc and it allowed at least a possible glimmer of hope that the UK wasn’t about to descend into an Orwellian nightmare only with a far more deprived an depressing Big Brother aired on Channel 5.

 

This week alone has featured so many supervillian-like announcements that it’s almost as though the Tories are opting for a ‘lose voters’ policy at best and a French revolution at worst. The NHS was given its final battering on Monday, shrouded in the sort of right wing announcement about privatising roads that sounded like they would even upset the almost fascistic views of road Hitler Jeremy Clarkson. Then this was all forgotten as after upsetting anyone who was remotely ill and anyone who ever drives, they announced their ‘Robin Hood budget’ that pissed off anyone left who may have still had a glimmer of apathy about them. A budget that, with its cut of the 50p tax rate, very much has stolen from the poor to give to the rich, and leaves me under the assumption that Osborne has only ever read his book about the green hatted hero and his Merry Men back to front. Either that or he only meant to compare his party with them because they too are a band of thieves. The 50p tax rate in itself has only been discarded in an attempt to stop those for whom it applies avoiding it. So, millionaires dodge paying tax and therefore the tax rate is lowered to make them pay? Is this not the financial equivalent of negotiating with terrorists? ‘Well if they are going to try and find different ways to bomb the transport system we thought we’d just give them small bomb bins on each tube to accommodate them as such.’

 

Add to this the granny tax to make pensioners irate, smoking and alcohol price increases to make those who are angry not even indulge in their vices to get through the rage, and the Tories possible u-turn on the decision of ruling out the extra runway at Heathrow which in turn will make all the green protestors very red at the blues. Who’s left that might possibly still offer this government support at the next election? Only the very very rich, who just last night discovered much to their joy, that at the cost of £250k they too, could gain ‘access to Cameron’, a term that very much sounds like he has become a rent boy of the highest expense. The party of course have adamantly denied all this, <a href=”http://www.conservatives.com/Donate/Donor_Clubs.aspx” target=”_hplink”>despite links still being up on their website advertising as such</a>, just in nicer words. You too, for just the salary of a lower paid worker who’s average wage makes living very hard, could join the Treasurer’s Club, replete with badge, secret codename, an annual newsletter, plastic vinyl of Osborne singing ABBA’s ‘Money, Money, Money’ and a lifetime of influencing the government to put a lot of money back into your overly full pockets. Cruddas, the man who ‘mistakenly’ made such offers to undercover reporters has now resigned as the party’s principal treasurer, of course. No fear, he will be replaced by a fittingly named <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Fink,_Baron_Fink” target=”_hplink”>Lord Fink</a>, who ranks 698th in the Sunday Times rich list and comes from a background of being CEO of Citibank. So we can all be sure that he’s not remotely interested in laundering money quicker than a Zanussi full of £50 notes. On top of this the Conservatives will be launching their own investigation into what happened which will involve one spokesperson being paid some of Cameron’s access fee to say he discovered nothing, no one saw a thing, noting happened here and if anyone says otherwise they may go missing.

 

So there’s no hiding that our votes have far less power over the Coalition than the proffers of the rich, which makes me think that there are only a few ways to deal with this. One is that we all raise money so at least a few of us can pay £250k to go and meet Cameron and bribe him to stop ruining things. That or at least get close enough to him to punch him in the cock. The other option is that if they’ve reclaimed Robin Hood as some sort of elitist, rich loving hero, then we should reclaim the Sheriff of Nottingham as our champion, surrounding their camp at parliament with men on horses and threatening an execution unless we get our money and land back. Let us out supervillian the supervillians I say. And if course if any of you want a say in any of this, you can have a word in my ear about it for a mere £250k. Ahem.

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I-Cons

There is a tad too much to write about today. It seems that 2012 is rife for human error already and today has witnessed Ed Milliband’s amazing twuckup (yes, I’m going to call it that. I know it sounds horrible. Tough), following on Diane Abbott’s Twuckup yesterday. More and more it seems that if you are a person who values your credibility at all, you probably either shouldn’t use social networking sites like Twitter, or you should very carefully check what you say before you hit send. Whatever Labour decide amongst them they haven’t had the strongest year despite it only being 6 days in. Their plans to boost popularity announced just before the new year, seem to to have transformed today into an announcement that they will be accepting the cuts in order to seem credible. This is pretty strange. I’m concerned there will be some sort of chain reaction whereby the Green Party will start condoning people drive everywhere and the Anti-Nazi League will promote anti-Semitism. I mean who do Labour want to seem credible to though? The working person? Or the upper class, tax-dodging business man? It seems far more the latter than the former who’s blood the red of their motif is meant to represent. Oddly for a party with Balls, they really don’t seem to have any. It appears their long term strategy is to make themselves seem so ridiculous and laughable as an opposition party that the schadenfraude loving British public will vote for them for a laugh. To be fair, it worked for Boris Johnson in London, so it may well work for them. Which in turn, would really fuck off the monster raving looney party.

I don’t know what political party’s think people want anymore. It concerns me that the less they care about the people that vote for them, the more it will become a battle of who is the least shitty. If it hasn’t already. It isn’t helped by the media projecting what we should want on us. I’m talking in particular about the release today of The Iron Lady, a film about Margaret Thatcher, which sadly didn’t just CGI her head onto footage from Downfall. Cameron today says he thought the film was ‘too soon’ which I suppose is correct as the public needs ample time to get over any National or International disaster before it can be transferred to screen. It’s odd that Cameron thinks the film should have been made at another time, concerned it doesn’t promote the idea of a ‘great Prime Minister’, as I would state the opposite. I haven’t seen the film, but my understanding is that it creates a sympathy for someone who clearly had none for anyone else. If people born in the 90′s had no knowledge of the impact of Thatcherism, they will perhaps see the Conservatives as less of a threat than they are, ultimately viewing Cameron in a different light too.

What I really don’t get is when it was decided that the ideology of a hero or film worthy character was changed so dramatically. In the olden days there was folklore of heroes such as Robin Hood or William Tell who fought for the people. Since that time there have been a tidal wave of icons ranging fictional and non, ranging from Malcolm X and Michael Collins to Billy Elliot or even Spiderman (poverty stricken young kid, fighting for justice despite his home problems). Sure I’m skipping tons of them and I’m also missing out all those film biopics about serial killers and people like Hitler, but fact is, in recent years there has been a spate of films where we are to sympathise with rich, wealthy, elitist individuals. The King’s Speech for example which was so wonderfully but rightfully ruined by my dad’s inclusion of ‘He was a neo-fascist you know’ referring to George VI’s relationship with Oswald Moasley. It did ruin Colin Firth’s stuttering hero somewhat to know that his character was chummy with a man who followed some of Adolf’s ideals. And now Margaret Thatcher, whose industry and life destroying decisions are apparently skimmed over quite lightly and instead the audience’s are asked to warm to this ageing woman with dementia.

It’d be nice to have a film about someone who we can all relate too again, though sadly I can’t see it happening anytime soon. With not even a political party to represent the middle and lower classes, chances are the next Oscar winning film will be about Fred Goodwin looking for love.

On a hugely different note, myself and L watched Being Elmo last night, the documentary on Kevin Clash. It is easily, one of the best docufilms I’ve seen in some time, provoking the first man tears of 2012. Of course, it can’t really go wrong, featuring on one of the best loved muppets ever and the well loved and kind man that somewhat created him. The film points out that Elmo’s appeal is simply that he loves and that as well as loving people, he needs people to love him, which makes him so vulnerable yet warming. It makes me so pleased that The Henson Company is having something of a comeback considering it not only makes some of the best telly ever, but the whole group seems to operate on love for the work and that’s a such a rarity nowadays. All I’m saying is, there’s a reason post Iron Lady that people won’t be buying Tickle-Me Thatchers for presents.

Fire Zombies

I don’t have to do a thing today. I’m trying my best efforts not to leave the house unless absolutely necessary. Necessary means things like ‘if the house was filled with zombies’, ‘if the house was on fire’ or ‘if the house was filled with fire zombies’, so chances are high I’m going nowhere. The weather, accordingly, is looking shit and so there is little guilt to be had about me sitting on our sofa in my onesi watching films and spending far too much time on the Xbox. Yes, after a long hiatus from Xbox action since May, I am now addicted to a computer game again after having purchased Batman: Arkham City. I had temporarily pretended that I no longer had a need for computer games and that somehow, I’d accidentally grown up. Turns out though, its just that I was too poor to get good games and whilst on the one hand I used to think that playing computer games had no viable achievement in the real world, I now feel like every time I turn the console off, the citizens of Gotham are feeling my absence. I know they’re only virtual, but I’m a righteous guy and real or not, they need me to be glued to the TV screen like a penguin with a torchlight (yes I know I keep referencing penguins with torchlights, blame Frozen Planet) to stop them from suffering.

Once again, after having missed blogging yesterday – which in turn means you missed me gushing about the brilliance of DJ Shadow for four paragraphs, which I think would be trying on even the most stoic of readers – here’s a collection of things that have been gently dancing on the Tiernan brain for the past two days:

Christmas Markets – The name of such an event fills my heart with small bouncing baubles of joy. I know baubles don’t bounce, they just smash, unremittingly, on the living room floor in a symbol that says ‘Christmas is dead’ more than anything else. I’ve spent one Xmas in my life with pet kittens. I know how it works. I chose baubles as after hearing that my local area had a Christmas Market yesterday, me and L leapt into action, stomping up the hill expecting free mince pies, mulled wine galore and much festive fun. Instead, the shattered reality of Christmas as an adult showed itself as a series of tables with very bored people sat at them, all trying to sell real tat such as candles and knitted things, in a recession. No one wants these things at the best of times, and even though our area is filled with some wealthy residents, its not what’s needed now. I can’t help but feel if they’d just sold tinned goods and firewood, they’d have made far more of a profit.

Euro Veto – According to popularity polls, Cameron has gone up in opinions as PM after him making us the lone contender in Europe. Newspapers compared him to Churchill, failing to point out that Churchill’s ‘fuck you’ was during a war and towards the destruction of our country and the tirade of a very evil dictator. Cameron’s was to a contingency that has left us with a single market of 60 million rather than a possible market of 500 million. Something I really don’t think is very clever in this constant ‘recession’ we are being told about. Clegg has expressed his disdain and even though I’m not a fan of the turncoat either, I very much hope that the Conservatives decision to Veto the Eurozone treaty will turn the pro-Europe Lib Dems fully against them, losing the Conservatives the majority in parliament and royally screwing them as a party even more. I just pray the UK public don’t keep praising the PM for what I’m fairly sure will reveal itself to be a huge error for years to come, and end up voting the Tories in with a majority next time round, allowing them to get away with destroying this country in a fashion Godzilla would have felt harsh.

Komedia Brighton – I really wish the Komedia Brighton would run courses for other gig promoters in how a gig should be run. I honestly believe that across the UK you will only find a handful of places (the Stand and Get Stuffed in Tring to name but two) that care for the comics so well and run a gig with such efficiency and dedication. Well done them, a bloody joy to play it really is.

Dermot – I like Dermot O’Leary on the Radio. I’m not sure what happens to him once he leaves the BBC Radio studios and heads towards X-Factor but its as though his personality, inquisitive nature and joy for actual music dies, half his brain switches off and he just goes to auto-pilot. Fair play to him for being able to do this, and I like that his Saturday afternoon show proves he is a human being of sorts. I was listening to him yesterday though when something strange happened. He was interviewing James Blake, a man who as of recent times, I have become as geeky about his music as I have DJ Shadow’s and have been known to purchase the Blake’s music the second it arrives on iTunes. I still don’t know how to class his music but unlike Dermot, I wouldn’t have used the word ‘weird’. Yep. After a beautiful live version of ‘Lindesfarne’, Dermot said to Blake ‘that was great and weird’. No. What happened to Dermot? It’s as though someone had accidentally put the X-Factor him on the radio instead and this ignorant and tactless man incapable of being able to vocalise how he feels about a type of very original music from a guest he had invited on appeared and demeaned all of his efforts in seconds. Whatever you may think of James Blake, if he was sitting there, you wouldn’t say his music was weird. At least go for ‘interesting’ which we all know means ‘not for me, but hey ho’, or original which means ‘not for me, but hey ho’. Not weird, which out and out means ‘not for me, and really fucking weird’. Bring back old Dermot who was excited about hearing new and original music. With the demise of Giles Peterson’s radio show on 1, and Mark Lamarr leaving Radio 2, there’s so few DJs that actually give a window to new and interesting musicians who don’t just churn out the same manufactured shit as everyone else. It’s like the whole world is becoming a shambolic Christmas market. So much promise yet only the delivery of bland things no one really wants.

DJ Shadow – was fucking amazing.

Think ‘pon that world. Think ‘pon that.

Striking Off

After three days of blogging about the strike action I was very much determined not to write about it anymore today. I like to presume some people abroad read this and if that’s remotely true (its not) then I hope I haven’t bored them to death with notes on an economic climate they don’t know about while probably worrying about their own. Thing is, too many things have happened in the last 24 hours that all tie neatly into yesterday’s strike action – not least me taking part in the march itself in Central London – for me not to drag this subject out a while longer. If you do live abroad, why not change area names to areas near you, situation names to things that affect you and celebrities or politicians that you know about and then read away. Or perhaps just don’t read and come back tomorrow when I’ll talk about buying my friend’s car which also happened yesterday. Or write your own blog. Seriously, I don’t see why I should have to do all the work. Ahem.

So after yesterday’s blog, I headed down to the march starting at Lincoln’s Inn Fields with all the public sector workers on strike to show my support. It was a pretty amazing atmosphere with a very feel good vibe and workers from all areas of employment. Hospital workers, ambulance staff, civilian police workers, firemen and so many more. There were easily several hundreds of thousands with balloons, banners, goodwill and a want for justice and fairer pensions trailing all the way from the start of the march back way past Holborn station and beyond. My personal heroes were the Pensioners there to fight for the rights of future pensioners and the Physio’s who banner said they were ‘standing up for fairer pensions’. Brilliant. I had to leave early to drop off a polar bear costume (long story) but despite the oppressive and way over the top police presence, the forces seemed happy enough and the march went ahead with singing, music and a good message to state that things need to change.

Then later that night I did a gig in a West London suburb which is notoriously wealthy. I have done this gig several times before and love the people that run it. It’s always been fun, but last night was tough. I was exhausted from the days activities and probably not in a very focused state of mind, but I did find them quite tough to get going. It turned out many of them had had difficult days because of the strike, due to the type of jobs they do and how the public sector’s demand for rights gets in the way. One man worked for the Ministry of Justice and explained that he was tired because he’d started his day driving through a picket line. Another woman who was a civil servant and should’ve been on strike herself complained that she had to stay at home to look after her children, both of whom were old enough to look after herself. When I asked the room if anyone there had been on strike they laughed at me like I had said a joke. The mere idea was shocking to them as though only scum would do such a thing. L overheard at the back a woman say when I asked an audience member what they did that they bet ‘he was on strike’ as though it was an insult. I told them I’d been on the march and supported the workers even though I am self employed and in no hope of a pension anyway and they looked at me confused, unable to understand. These people who will never have to worry about pensions or mortgages or standard of living. I felt very angry and then after a while realised that while some did appear to have a snooty view about it all, some just appeared very guilty, almost knowing that times are very hard for most people on standard salaries, but there’s little they can or more importantly, will do about it. I left the night feeling deflated, only for a few people to pull me to one side afterwards to say they thought it was great, but it appeared they just couldn’t support me out loud. I really wish we could change the stigma that standing up for your right have a reasonable standard of living whilst in employment and retirement is a dirty thing. It’s not. Its the bravest thing you can do, and far less scummy than those who oppose people standing up for themselves and each other.

I watched David Cameron on This Morning, this morning (I know I said I wouldn’t say that again, but duty called) as he squirmed around Schofield’s very good questions, saying that the strike had done nothing. Yet its in the news today that talks have restarted with hope of reaching a new negotiation. So if it hadn’t done anything, why do the government appear afraid? The news is full of contradictions about the numbers involved, saying only 15% of hospital staff walked out, yet then stating that the police had to help the ambulance service due to shortage of numbers. I wish the BBC would stop being so afraid to say that it was a big movement and a clear sign that things have to change. Cameron insisted on saying how little money the UK has, despite today’s reports that on bracing ourselves for the Eurozone Crisis that consistently say Britain’s banks are the strongest in the world, even more so since the recession started, probably due to the Government’s very convenient safeguarding of the banking sector. The PM also happily pointed out once again that many private sector workers get pensions far less than public sector workers, failing to point out that private sector workers often earn a lot more and have their own private pensions on top of their state pensions, meaning they get a lot more (depending on their field of employment of course).

I spent sometime on Twitter this morning mentioning all of this and was once again subject to abuse from someone called Horatio (right wing abuse from someone with a name like that? Shocking huh? Who’d've thought?) telling me I was a ‘d-bag’ because the talks were ongoing anyway and that the strikes were just for publicity. I responded by pointing out that the talks hadn’t happened since November the 2nd and how the government had failed to give the unions any agreeable solutions. The unions had attempted to stop the strike had such agreements been made, but they weren’t and so it wasn’t. Horatio insisted on saying I only agreed with it because I was a unionist, whilst using the wrong you’re (he used your) and calling me an idiot, as his only line of defence against fact. I pointed out his spelling error, ignorance and the fact that his name was probably in relation to his higher use of prostates than most due to his lack of likability (ho-ratio). Yes, cheap but fun. He wasn’t even following me, so yet again another example of a narrow minded twat going out of his way to be insulting and disallow people from having their own point of views.

I will never understand these people who think the democratic right to have a point of view, decent education, welfare and security is some sort of threat to them, and soon I will stop trying to. All I hope is that one day the world will relise they should probably have their own island somewhere where they can all be bigoted at each other while the rest of us stop suffering at their hands. The strike yesterday helped affirm for me that Britain isn’t as apathetic as the news would have us believe and that people do care. More than that, they’ll continue to care as long as they are being oppressed. Let’s hope another strike doesn’t need to happen again. Not because it’ll stop some private sector worker from some disruption, but because an agreement can be made to prevent these people trying to survive on a pension rate so far below the rate of inflation and cost of living that they barely live to see their last few years.

YM4J (+ bonus real time update)

I wrote this blog earlier today, but wi-fi let me down by being less omnipresent than I always assume it is. As far as I’m concerned, wi-fi is the closest real thing that acts like the idea of God as possible. It is many places, it provides an incredible wealth of services and it somehow avoids areas where people really need it, or costs when people are most vulnerable. Er, yeah. That sort of works. Anyway, here’s today’s blog with added update at the end:

 

Every now and then something will pop up that makes me realise that a) how amazing people are and b) how much I have my head in the sand at times. Tonight I’m doing a set at a fundraising gig for the Youth March For Jobs. I vaguely knew that some people were marching from somewhere and that it was about the current unemployment situation, but I have zapping about the country like a photon in a, er, zappy machine, and so through lack of research had no idea that the Jarrow Marchers have marched all 330 miles from Jarrow in the North East of the UK, arriving in London on Nov 5th all against the cuts and the rise in unemployment the government are bringing, much like the Jarrow marchers of the 1936 depression. How amazing is that? I complain if I have to walk 30 minutes, even if I have issues I need to address. Admittedly these issues are usually to do with not having had lunch or something far more tame, but even when I’ve been on huge demonstrations the unhealthy bit of me will usually be flagging by the last stretch. Yet here we have people so upset with the state of things they will march nearly the length of England as statement.

I’ve never been a fan of real jobs but that’s mostly cos I’m shit at doing them, hence my foray into a field of shouting at drunk people. Thing is though, if I was a young person looking for work right now, I’d be terrified. Unemployment has reached an all time high with the figures from 2009 of 1 in 5 young people unable to work, having now risen again in the last two years. I’m currently broke but I’ve never had to live off benefits. Sure I sometimes live off L’s bank balance rather than mine, but even so, its never for that long. How are you meant to look forward to life if you can’t even support yourself? More importantly, how do the government think they’ll ever provide a successful working and earning society if they can’t employ the people that are the future of business? It seems like such a terrible catch 22 situation, and I can’t, for the life of me, understand how Cameron intends for it to work.

Those in jobs are no better, with pension plans coming in yesterday that are supposedly ‘money saving’ according to Danny Alexander. The only way they seem to be money saving is by making people work so hard for a decent pension that they’ll probably die before they get it, therefore meaning the DWP don’t have to hand anything out. Sorry, this blog has just got all miserable hasn’t it? It was meant to be about how great people can be and how constantly in awe of them I am for how they choose to stand up to this sort of oppression. Tonight myself, Simon Munnery and a whole host of comedians and brilliant music types (such as the excellent Grace Petrie. Do check her out at www.gracepetrie.com ) shall be doing our bit to stand up to it and hopefully we can make it fun for those marchers. If nothing else, they’ll get to sit down for a while and watch and I’m sure they need it.

Check out the YM4J site at youthfightforjobs.com or jarrowmarch11.com. For any students out there, check out the march next week on Nov 9 which will be huge and all those worried about their pensions do strike on Nov 30th. Its important we at least try and fix all this.

God I sound preachy. Maybe use the fact that I’ll stop when you fix things as an incentive? Tomorrow I shall whine so much you’ll think whales are dying. Hear that Cameron? No one wants whales to die! No one! Not even sharks!

 

UPDATE

 

I am now home. The gig was shit. It seemed everyone was there was so keen on Marxism they all thought they’d speak at the same time as me to share an equal workload. The stage was in the middle of the pub, by the door lit only by a blue light – an odd choice for the event, which meant no one could be seen properly, an introduction that didn’t even say I was a comic, and a mic that was attached to the stand, I shouted over some people chatting for 15 minutes. Why is it so difficult for some people to get something so easy, right? I stayed long enough to watch the excellent Joe Wells who didn’t get the response he deserved and then ran away even though I knew Ken Loach would be speaking and he’s ace. Sigh. What a shame. Still, thank you to the 20 lovely people who did actually watch and I did the gig so now my karma meter should be back up high somewhere and tomorrow I will actually kill some whales on Cameron’s doorstep as penalty. If he wasn’t such a prick then those people wouldn’t have felt the need to march and I wouldn’t have had to do that shit gig. I hate you David Cameron.

Thrown Suck Session

So the laws of Royal succession have changed meaning that sons and daughters of any future monarchs will now have equal right to the throne. A big step for equality? Yes I suppose so. I mean, it seems bananas that that wasn’t the case anyway, but I suppose in the true tradition of me not being happy about anything, I would ask really what difference does this all make? England’s had many Queens on the throne before, our royal family now only appear to be around in order to distract news from terrible things the government are doing (yes conspiracy theory ahoy, but really the timing of the wedding was ludicrous as was the amount of money spent on it in such a time of recession) and so really, what relevance does it have anymore? What would be better would be, as well as this, to tackle equality in the workplace, all the many legislations making it harder for single mums to earn enough to stay alive and maybe to let women join the Bullingdon club. Of course, that would never happen as that’d actually be doing something to make the UK a better place rather than hit headlines by slightly amending an archaic tradition that remains archaic anyway.

The bit I do like though, to be fair, is that future monarchs are now allowed to marry anyone of any faith rather than just Roman Catholic. I have lovely dreams that the next one will fall in love with a Muslim and convert or bestow Buddism across the nation, or Hindu denouncing the Christmas speech overall, instead talking about Hanuman the monkey god and saving us 15 minutes of boredom on an otherwise awesome day. Again, I don’t see this happening. Sadly as it is here we have an opportunity to show how we excel as a secular country, promoting evolution and science and shunning long out of date traditions, and yet what’s being overlooked is that most of the British aristocracy and the people who will meet future monarchs through events and increasingly expensive education, are all likely to be Roman Catholic or at least a denomination of such things anyway. Once again, great for the newspapers, not really great for anything else.

Just saying, what might be better is just offing the Royals altogether, sticking them in a council flat in Wood Green and plunging their dosh back into the economy to rid us of this ‘oh so important deficit’ and they can choose amongst themselves who gets to be king and queen of their estate while we happily allow all the squatters who are about to be criminalised and kicked out of their homes to go live in Buckingham Palace and Windsor castle. Who’s with me?

Last note. If you’re on Twitter, I think it would be nice to get the hashtag #dressupasaToryMPforHalloween trending. No? Let’s all give it a go.

Twitriol

My routine in the morning, generally, is to wake up and before I do anything else, check my phone for any overnight correspondence. I realise this is quite sad. Some of you probably have a cup of tea first or use the loo, but in today’s day and age where I may as well have my phone surgically attached to my face (I’d have it on my left cheek if you’re curious) it’s one of the first things in my brain on my to do list for the day. Often I’ll have a series of mixed rubbish, occasionally some nice messages, sometimes a few troll spam things, some dull Facebook events and an email about an event I don’t want to go to. Today however, I received this message from @KSteelePTech:

‘What a wanker you are’.

This wasn’t quite what I was expecting. I did a tweet last night concerning Derren Brown’s show about hypnotising an assassination of Stephen Fry, where I perhaps wasn’t too nice to the celebrity in question and I assumed maybe it was a backlash of that. But checking what it was in reply to, it appeared that actually he was more upset with this tweet I had sent:

@TiernanDouieb Now this has been proven to work I say we all give @DerrenBrown£1 and get Cameron killed. Plan?

Searching through this man’s previous replies to people he seemed to spend a long time telling Ed Balls he was a dick and spouting about how George Osbourne was wrong. It amazes me the vitriol people can have on twitter, and what amazes me more is that those who choose to go out of their way to write something nasty about people’s freedom of speech are nearly always supporters of the Conservative Party or another right wing faction. I never see anyone from the Green Party going round Twitter lambasting anyone who says they’ve driven anywhere. It just doesn’t happen. Sadly it just goes to show that the people who’s mindset is to support a party who’s policies are often to the detriment of others are ignorant themselves and very happy to have double standards on the idea of free speech. I don’t sit around finding everyone who’s supporting David Cameron on Twitter and sending them a message to say how wrong their beliefs are. Though I’m starting to think I should.

I wanted to reply to him about how he obviously never has to use the NHS and neither do any members of his family or their friends. I wanted to question if he gives a shit about disabled people and their rights, or the amount of youth that are unemployed in the country and if he has any offspring and why he wouldn’t be worried about their futures. I could have ranted about how the UK deficit is much lower than many other Western countries and how this is all a scam to implement regimes that are just destroying the country’s economy further while a few will triumph with further wealth. And then I wanted to ask him if he really believed that me calling Cameron a wanker was unjust and more importantly when exactly did I lose my right to express an opinion on anyone or anything when I live in a country where freedom of speech is supposedly a given.

I didn’t though as I couldn’t fit that in a tweet. Instead I blocked him as spam and I hope its ruined his day.

 

Oh on a different note, I was on CBBC’s The Slammer yesterday. You can see it here:

IPLAYER

Planet Saving For Dummies

Sometimes its very easy to get disheartened with comedy and the world in general. Yesterday was one of those days that fully reaffirmed my faith in both. The Block The Bill, Block The Bridge demonstration yesterday, as organised by UK Uncut was a lovely sunny afternoon of very civil disobedience and one of the nicest afternoons I’ve had in 2011. Thousands of people turned up to show just how much they care about the most important institution in the UK, the NHS, and as Big Ben struck 1, it was an incredible sight to see the bridge amass with people playing dead. There was music, brilliant artwork, interesting people and I got to meet Chris Morris which nearly sent me into babbling mess. Despite a police presence there was no trouble at all, and the whole event, if nothing else, should show that we can stand-up to the misdemeanours of our government without fear of kettling or violence from the authorities. This shows we can do this again, and again and more and more people can join as is our right to be outspoken about the outcome of our country.

PANORAMIC VIEW OF THE BRIDGE

I was there as part of Comedy Block, a show to be performed on the bridge as part of the event. Initially it was to start at 1.30pm but due to a lack of sound system it seemed as though all proceedings would have to be called off, until around 3pm a bicycle powered sound system was discovered. With a variety of lovely volunteers pedalling away (the sound disappearing every time they slowed down or swapped) we finally kicked off and 8 acts, with Chris Coltrane hosting, performed for what was about 800-900 happy protestors. Going on first, and nervous about material I’d written that morning about Andrew Lansley, the show was a dream. Sure we were preaching to the converted – no one at that gig was going to heckle when we were all there for the same reasons – but the rush of performing as part of something that meant something was incredible.

I’d been feeling a tad lost since Edinburgh. After performing an hour show everyday that was based on my personal despair at this country’s current situation, to then suddenly go back to the clubs where political material isn’t what the stag and hen do’s want on a Friday after work, is a bit disheartening. Yet you can’t stop doing those gigs as they pay. I had found myself feeling a bit fed up with it all. Then yesterday changed that and fully made me realise why comedy is brilliant. Performing in front of such an amazing crowd, saying jokes that had a point of view behind them, and purpose and then watching acts such as Josie Long, Mark Thomas, Nat Tapley and more do the same, really made me realise what you can do as a performer. I realise that the high horse might well be back again for me to climb on board, but having the confidence and ability to write jokes that will both make people laugh and maybe encourage them to do more is one of the best feelings in the world. Just having a reason to be part of something that may (and I sadly don’t think it will) make a difference to the bill on Tuesday makes it feel like its worth it.

MY SET AT THE BLOCK THE BILL, BLOCK THE BRIDGE PROTEST

 

I’m not saying you have to do stand-up to make a difference. Everyone there yesterday did it in their own way. Some made banners, some brought instruments, some were just there, and believe me, that’s enough. The protest made its way onto most news outlets (BBC being the slowest and nearest to making derogatory remarks as per usual), which meant people know there is opposition to the bill. That’s all we need to do. Let everyone, especially parliament know we aren’t happy with the destruction of the NHS – something Cameron promised he wouldn’t let happen and once again lied. If you care, then next time remember that there are never ‘enough people going already’. Just rock up, have a great afternoon watching comedy and do so knowing that you are helping change the UK.

 

Lastly, I met someone on the bridge yesterday that was explaining that as the bill is likely to go through, the best we can hope for is that the Lords let it be examined by a special commission. This would mean it isn’t just sent back to the Commons unchanged, but nor are the most destructive parts just overlooked. We only have a day to make any difference so I will post her email, pretty much word for word, below. Please take note and if nothing else, take two minutes out to email a Lord with your requests. Yes it looks like a lot of info but have a read and then you can make it all easier by choosing which Lord to email by using this site:

CONTACT A LORD

Here’s the emails:

 

Hello again, 

It was really good to meet you today.

 

A quick summary of why it’s so important to draw people’s attention to the Hennessy / Owen amendments is at the end of this email.

 

Emails to members of the House of Lords can be short. Something like:

 

Subject: Please support Hennessy & Owen’s amendments in full

 

Dear…,

 

Please support the amendments to the Health and Social Care Bill tabled by Lords Hennessy and Owen. Their proposal offers a way out of the current deadlock for all concerned. It will allow the Bill to continue its passage through Parliament, whilst the most high risk, controversial parts will be referred to a Select Committee for further consideration by the legal and medical experts in the House. As a result, the NHS will be able to get on with its work, Lansley will get his legislation and those opposing the Bill will finally have their concerns properly addressed. This proposal will not stop the progress of this Bill but it will ensure that when it becomes law, it is not toxic to the NHS.

 

Yours sincerely,

…

 

Email addresses are in the attached excel sheet. Where there isn’t an address, click the link and it will take you directly to the relevant page for emailing them via the web.

 

Short, personal emails are most effective. It would help to say things like ‘I’m writing to you because I know you have an interest in health and also law’ but it isn’t essential [details of the Peers are in the excel].

 

The debate is on Tuesday – the actual vote is Wednesday afternoon.

 

Please pass this on as widely as possible – Labour have agreed to vote in favour of the proposal but we need to convince 80 Bishops, and Crossbench and Lib-Dem Peers to vote in favour too.

 

Why the Hennessy / Owen amendments are so important:

 

Ø  On Tuesday, the Lords will decide whether they are going to vote the Health and Social Care Bill out completely [extremely unlikely] or whether they will proceed with it.

Ø  If they don’t vote it out, it will be debated in the House of Lords.

Ø  Ideally, the Bill would be referred to a Select Committee: a sub-group of the Lords including medical and legal experts who would have as much time as they need to properly address the concerns about the Bill.

Ø  However, it’s very rare for a Select Committee to be set up – and it isn’t going to happen here.

Ø  So all members of the House of Lords will have the opportunity to take part in the debate. Which means the time available will be limited and the debate will be pretty superficial – as it was in the Commons.

Ø  Lords Peter Hennessy and David Owen are proposing an alternative.

Ø  They are suggesting that part of the Bill is discussed, as usual, by the whole House. In reality that part it will become law fairly soon.

Ø  But the most risky, controversial parts would be referred to a Select Committee [I can send details if you want to know more].

Ø  This is not a perfect solution but it’s the best option we have. Unless this happens, there is very high likelihood that the Bill will become law with its most dangerous aspects still largely intact.

Ø  David Owen has been way ahead of everyone in his understanding of this Bill. He predicted months ago that the Bill would get through the Commons largely unaltered. It did. He immediately recognised the significance of removing the legal duty on the Secretary of State to provide health services in England. This is now widely recognised as a central concern. He understands that this Bill is still, in effect, a proposal to abolish the NHS.

Ø  The Hennessy / Owen amendments are qualitatively different to the other amendments tabled for discussion in the Lords on Tuesday. They are not proposing specific changes to the Bill. Instead they are providing a way of ensuring the worst of the Bill is properly examined and the necessary changes made before it becomes law.

Ø  Unfortunately, it is taking too long for members of the House of Lords to realise the importance of this proposal.

Ø  The government realises. Which is why senior members of government are currently doing everything possible to persuade the Lords not support this proposal. Yet again they are saying they will amend the Bill to ensure the outstanding concerns are addressed.

Ø  Meanwhile, Lansley has been boasting in meetings that the Bill is a done deal and that the fundamental aspects of the Bill remain unaltered.

And email two:

The link to the Keep Our NHS Public [KONP] website is: http://www.keepournhspublic.com/index.php
but there isn’t specific information about the Hennessy / Owen amendments on there as they were only tabled last Tuesday. But KONP is supporting this proposal.
A good example of what we’re worried about is the current story about the GP practice in York who sent letters out to their patients saying that certain services were no longer available on the NHS and telling them where they could buy these treatments privately. One of the companies they suggested was owned by them [http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/oct/04/nhs-charging-operations-york?newsfeed=true]. People might say ‘That’s OK it’s only ingrowing toe nails – why shouldn’t we pay for that sort of thing?’ The problem that this is just a start:
- decisions about what is and isn’t available on the NHS will be made locally [so there will be huge variation];
- patients will have to pay for health care [or go without];
- there will be conflicts of interest [these GPs stand to benefit personally];
- there will be issues about how patients’ information is passed onto;
- there will be limits to how much we can find out about private companies through the freedom of information act [www.cfoi.org.uk/foi060911pr.html];
- these changes haven’t been made law but are already happening…
An example of how health care in the UK is big business – and of how multinationals for example are set to take over large chunks of the NHS – can be found on the Spinwatch website. The government has been in talks with a German company about the take over of up to 20 hospitals:
The Bill also makes it possible for NHS property to be transferred to the NHS: http://www.dutytoprovide.net/
In short…If the Government’s proposed changes go ahead, “private companies would be entitled to run much of the NHS” and “market forces would determine the way many health services are provided”http://www.dutytoprovide.net/2011/08/27/the-stage-is-set-for-market-forces-to-dictate-the-nhs-despite-recent-assurances-from-the-department-of-health/.
A book worth reading is Deadly Spin by Wendell Potter, who used to work for the private health insurance business in the US. It explains how, once the private health industry gets hold of the NHS, it’s not going to be possible to make it let go again.
The book everyone should read is NHS Plc by Allyson Pollack which explains how we came to be on the brink of losing the NHS to a commercial, American-style system of health-care.
I attended a conference recently at which Lansley spoke. He said he believes, as Machiavelli did, that ‘when you propose a change, everyone will disagree with you’. Therefore ‘you have to do it quickly’.  He said he came into the job with a vision and that he is still convinced he’s right. He’s has, he said, been working on this Bill for 8 years [in fact he laid out his principles for the NHS in a speech in 2005 - these now form the framework for the current Bill: www.andrewlansley.co.uk/newsevent.php?newseventid=21]. Apparently Lansley sees himself as the modern equivalent of John Snow, the nineteenth century hero of public health. Sadly, wanting to be John Snow is not the same as being John Snow. He actually has more in common with his other hero Machiavelli -  he clearly seems to feel morally justified in achieving his goals by any means necessary. So far he has out-manoeuvred us all. I sincerely believe that only this proposal by Peter Hennessy and David Owen will stop the complete dismantling of the legal framework that’s protected the NHS to date. But they need our help…

Block The Bridge

A very short blog today as I’m off to this:

BLOCK THE BRIDGE

Which is one of the most important protests you could possibly attend. I’m meant to be doing stand-up there today but I’m really struggling to find humour in the notion of the NHS being destroyed in place of a privatised system that the government have no accountability for. I ranted about such things only the other day (see National Health Disservice ) but since then I’ve got slightly more clued up on how preposterous the entire situation is. Have a read of this:

POLLY TOYNBEE ARTICLE

Yes, I know there is a lot of reading to do today but trust me, if you care about your own health and live in the UK, let alone caring about the health of anyone else in the UK, then you shouldn’t hesitate to cram some knowledge cookies down your brainbox. The more people know about this, the less the government can get away with it. There are so many clauses since the bill’s amendment in the Spring that haven’t been checked and will now not be checked in time before the bill is passed that we could essentially let something slide that has points 1-600 saying ‘ everyone ill over the age of 65 will be turned into Soylent Green’.

Without meaning to repeat myself from previous blogs, but the notion that the Care Quality Commision will be so overrun with applications that unqualified people will be tampering with my body is terrifying. Sure unqualified people have tampered with my body before, but I was usually drunk and at least a little bit attracted to them. A little bit. My concern is that I’ll go to my Opthamologists to find an Apple ‘i’ doctor ready with a spoon and a maglite as he fancied a job change. I don’t want my diabetic specialists replaced with a representative from Mars Incorporated who insist that one of their products a day will help me work, rest and play whilst keeping quiet its part of their own tests to see how ill the bars make Type 1 sufferers. I definitely don’t want my podiatrist being replaced with someone from Nike, knowing full well all their recommendations require me buying expensive trainers. Yes it’s an exaggerated view, but imagine your hospitals budget being run miles away by a company that couldn’t give a shit if you live or die, and more whether its drugs are being sold in the fuckton and how their annual figures are. Scary huh?

My only plan is that if this bill is passed, we should all save whatever pennies we have and find the private hospitals that Cameron & Lansley use, all subscribe to their services for at least a month and consistently clog up the service with the most minor of ailment complaints to show those elitist arseholes what happens to a system when its oversubscribed and not cared for. Then I’m going to register as a ‘surgeon’ and keep praying they have an accident.

You should go today. If you’re not going then at least do this:

CONTACT A LORD

We have to stop this happening. End of argument.

 

NB. If you are a reader from abroad, apologies for these constant UK based blogs, but hopefully it’ll either help you to stop such things from happening where you are, or perhaps if you already live in a society without a national health service, you can inform those you know in the UK of just what its like having a cost on your lives.

 

Size Of The Fight In The Dog

I thought I’d wait and type today’s blog after watching David Cameron do his speech at the end of the Conservatives Conference. It’s the last of the three main parties meetings and probably, or at least I thought so, the most important to pay attention to for the key clues as to how much worse they are going to make things in coming months. So far there has been nothing I wasn’t expecting, with no further give on the NHS situation, more talk about avoiding Europe and Theresa May being a mega twat. However Cameron’s speech was slightly unexpected. Not in a good way of course, but more in the way that I really wasn’t expecting him to peddle such twaddle. Yes that sentence read nicely didn’t it? I know. Towards the end spouting such lines as ‘its not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog’ made it quite clear that he isn’t really saying anything. I mean what does that mean? Look at it. Read it again. Nothing. It means nothing. Unless he is planning on spending public money on one huge Trojan dog to carry out wars in? Or perhaps he is so blind to the reality of the world that he believes Innerspace to be a documentary? Or maybe know that the barbarity of fox hunting has been mostly curbed, posh Tories are resorting to boxing with dogs on their fists? Whilst grim, I’d like to see two young Conservatives hit each other around the face with a disgruntled pit bull.

 

Ultimately though, it was a speech that said what he thought he should say whilst completely ignoring any actual issues that face the UK. Harping on about aid abroad it felt like that obnoxious person you meet who sponsors a goat in Africa but would never buy a Big Issue or speak to someone that earns less then them as its slightly too close to home. Cameron spoke of being for ‘gay marriage’, as though he’d been reading what was the ‘right on’ thing to say from ten years ago, whilst then taking his values back even further when talking about just how important marriage is and the need to be a ‘family friendly government.’ They aren’t and they never will be as long as they continue to cut child benefits, damage the education system and make changes that can really harm a single parent. Unless its friendly to only some very specific families I assume? Ones that earn enough that none of the changes will affect their child’s chances of getting into private school.

 

Going through line-by-line it again seemed that all he wants to do is shirk responsibility back to the people most affected by the coalition’s changes. ‘So much of my leadership is about unleashing your leadership.’ Is there any clearer way of sounding like one of those bosses who allocates everything to his staff then puts his feet up and has ‘another day off’? Another classic was ‘those with money bearing biggest burden’. Really? What the burden of having to find somewhere else to hide their money offshore so they can contribute even less to society? It was all sickening. I honestly feel like he could have walked on stage and said ‘ You did it all! It’s all your fault! And you fix it!’ before announcing that no, he won’t be helping with costs, then laughing, jumping in a plane and going skiing. I guess that would have just been a bit too unsubtle and made sure that all those thousands of idiots that are still going to keep this government in aren’t completely brainwashed by his X-Factor style intro video and One Show quality jokes. No, thanks to today they’ll still be more concerned about where Samantha Cameron got her jumper from. The answer is: your toil, hard work, and tax payments. And is she grateful? No.

As he left they played the New Radicals ‘You Get What You Give’. Appropriate considering Cameron has a cabinet of bigoted, bumbling arseholes and a country in ruin. His fault. Not ours.