My Slanderous Blog

This post was meant to be on the Huffington Post this week, but er, legally, cos of the things it says in it. So, knowing full well it contains libel and probably slander, here it is, in full form. Enjoy! btw it was written on Sunday so sorry if its out of date about anything.

 

 

Do any of you remember the beginning of the Warner Brothers cartoon ‘<a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJPFSNu_QNs” target=”_hplink”>Pinky and The Brain</a>’ that had Pinky asking The Brain ‘Hey Brain what do you want to do tonight?’ with Brain responding ‘same thing we always do Pinky. Try to take over the world.’ Yeah? That’s exactly how I imagine every meeting in number 10 between Cameron and Osborne. The parts are interchangeable of course, especially as brain looks more like Iain Duncan Smith and oddly, I think the only MP that looks at all close to Pinky is Lembit Opik and they won’t let him anywhere parliament let alone number 10, or even Europop stars anymore. It just feels like the Conservatives aren’t really even trying anymore. Way back in 2010, all revving up for the election, I had many a suspicion that Cameron and his cronies were going to do awful things, but that’s in large to do with my upbringing, Conservatives throughout history, and Cameron’s horrible smug, slightly swollen face. But at least they were trying to pretend they might do good things back then. There was all the economic growth that was promised, the solemn oath that they wouldn’t touch the NHS, etc etc and it allowed at least a possible glimmer of hope that the UK wasn’t about to descend into an Orwellian nightmare only with a far more deprived an depressing Big Brother aired on Channel 5.

 

This week alone has featured so many supervillian-like announcements that it’s almost as though the Tories are opting for a ‘lose voters’ policy at best and a French revolution at worst. The NHS was given its final battering on Monday, shrouded in the sort of right wing announcement about privatising roads that sounded like they would even upset the almost fascistic views of road Hitler Jeremy Clarkson. Then this was all forgotten as after upsetting anyone who was remotely ill and anyone who ever drives, they announced their ‘Robin Hood budget’ that pissed off anyone left who may have still had a glimmer of apathy about them. A budget that, with its cut of the 50p tax rate, very much has stolen from the poor to give to the rich, and leaves me under the assumption that Osborne has only ever read his book about the green hatted hero and his Merry Men back to front. Either that or he only meant to compare his party with them because they too are a band of thieves. The 50p tax rate in itself has only been discarded in an attempt to stop those for whom it applies avoiding it. So, millionaires dodge paying tax and therefore the tax rate is lowered to make them pay? Is this not the financial equivalent of negotiating with terrorists? ‘Well if they are going to try and find different ways to bomb the transport system we thought we’d just give them small bomb bins on each tube to accommodate them as such.’

 

Add to this the granny tax to make pensioners irate, smoking and alcohol price increases to make those who are angry not even indulge in their vices to get through the rage, and the Tories possible u-turn on the decision of ruling out the extra runway at Heathrow which in turn will make all the green protestors very red at the blues. Who’s left that might possibly still offer this government support at the next election? Only the very very rich, who just last night discovered much to their joy, that at the cost of £250k they too, could gain ‘access to Cameron’, a term that very much sounds like he has become a rent boy of the highest expense. The party of course have adamantly denied all this, <a href=”http://www.conservatives.com/Donate/Donor_Clubs.aspx” target=”_hplink”>despite links still being up on their website advertising as such</a>, just in nicer words. You too, for just the salary of a lower paid worker who’s average wage makes living very hard, could join the Treasurer’s Club, replete with badge, secret codename, an annual newsletter, plastic vinyl of Osborne singing ABBA’s ‘Money, Money, Money’ and a lifetime of influencing the government to put a lot of money back into your overly full pockets. Cruddas, the man who ‘mistakenly’ made such offers to undercover reporters has now resigned as the party’s principal treasurer, of course. No fear, he will be replaced by a fittingly named <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Fink,_Baron_Fink” target=”_hplink”>Lord Fink</a>, who ranks 698th in the Sunday Times rich list and comes from a background of being CEO of Citibank. So we can all be sure that he’s not remotely interested in laundering money quicker than a Zanussi full of £50 notes. On top of this the Conservatives will be launching their own investigation into what happened which will involve one spokesperson being paid some of Cameron’s access fee to say he discovered nothing, no one saw a thing, noting happened here and if anyone says otherwise they may go missing.

 

So there’s no hiding that our votes have far less power over the Coalition than the proffers of the rich, which makes me think that there are only a few ways to deal with this. One is that we all raise money so at least a few of us can pay £250k to go and meet Cameron and bribe him to stop ruining things. That or at least get close enough to him to punch him in the cock. The other option is that if they’ve reclaimed Robin Hood as some sort of elitist, rich loving hero, then we should reclaim the Sheriff of Nottingham as our champion, surrounding their camp at parliament with men on horses and threatening an execution unless we get our money and land back. Let us out supervillian the supervillians I say. And if course if any of you want a say in any of this, you can have a word in my ear about it for a mere £250k. Ahem.

Blog History

May 2012
M T W T F S S
« Apr    
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

Ranty Rant Rant

I’m a whole bundle of vexed this morning. Not sure what a bundle of vexed would be like but I suspect it to be like the creature in Brett Easton Ellis’ Lunar Park. If haven’t read that, imagine Gnasher trying to eat himself. That’s probably about right. Why such rage oh Tiernan? Well blogees, let me tell you. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Good, that makes me feel slightly happier. So let’s start with selfish reasons to be a mini Zack De La Rocha:

Last night I had a mediocre gig. Yes, this could well be my fault. There have been several occurrences where my own incompetence or lack of experience has meant I’ve delivered a less than perfect show, and last night my slightly muggy head didn’t put me in as competitor for the best Friday night comedian awards. However, the main reason things weren’t stupendous and brilliant was because the room I was in was not at all suitable for comedy. There’s very little you need to get comedy right and while the audience may have had the things they need – good viewpoints, ability to hear – the comedians didn’t. From the stage it was impossible to hear anything the audience said due to acoustics, meaning as a compere I struggled to hear any responses often giving retorts that were way off the mark and a total inability to deal with heckles. On top of this, the lighting was so bright I could only see the front row, and every time I spoke I could hear my own voice echoed back at me three times. Essentially this gig was an ambush trap for MCs. The only way to play it was to do material out to the crowd completely ignoring them and making the whole event feel like we were just reading scripts out to a brick wall, as the laughter dissipated around the audience and not at all back to the acts. Yet this place runs comedy every Friday and Saturday night, knowing full well it should never have comedy in it. If you want comedians to give a good show, you have to at least let them have the tools they need to do that, rather than let them play with a handicap. I’ve got to compere again tonight, which is a shame. At least this time I’ll know not to give a shit, plough through and get off, feeling sorry for the audience that has to endure that.

Right, anger making thing number 2. Slightly less selfish this one:

Cameron and Osborne today have stated that the Eurozone crisis will affect the UK, warning that cuts will get harder. This is, once again, a huge bullshit tactic to make everyone accept another series of awful ‘money saving’ strategies that the government wouldn’t be able to get away with without an excuse. The Eurozone crisis won’t affect the UK in a way that will need to take cuts from the public sector. The UK is donating £40bn which it has from a reserve and has made concessions for as part of its overall cuts plan. Aside from that we still have to remember that while some countries in Europe are suffering that the UK still has its triple A credit rating, something even the US doesn’t have, as our debt is still far less than most Western countries. In fact investors are still very keen on pouring money into the UK, not least because of our tax avoidance system. The trouble is that the government don’t want to make that clear otherwise they would receive a much larger objection to their destruction of the welfare system, British education and public sector jobs, nor would they be able to allow the private sector to barge in and fill their pockets in quite the same way.

We have had, in one week, news stories about cuts to the army, William Hague receiving money from an oil company to bribe investment in Libya, MP’s telling the workers they can have a ‘token 15 minute strike’ – which is the most patronising thing I’ve ever heard, like telling a child they can have a sweet if they just calm down, an NHS hospital being privatised (which it appears, was actually introduced by Labour under Blair, and has been carried on by this government, proving that all the parties have the same selfish interests at heart) at the same time as we’re being told NHS patient treatment is poor. At no point are we told that the NHS would have better treatment if it was given better funding and care, and staff workers weren’t so overloaded with patients. At no point is the direction of the news in defence of our healthcare system. It’s just getting very tiresome hearing again and again why we should tolerate all these actions and yet the excuses and reasons are holding less and less water. I hope on November 30th all the union workers strike all day and damage our not as bad as you’d think economy as much as they can to make a mark.

 

Steam released. There will be jokes again tomorrow. Unless tonight’s gig sucks them from my soul.

YM4J (+ bonus real time update)

I wrote this blog earlier today, but wi-fi let me down by being less omnipresent than I always assume it is. As far as I’m concerned, wi-fi is the closest real thing that acts like the idea of God as possible. It is many places, it provides an incredible wealth of services and it somehow avoids areas where people really need it, or costs when people are most vulnerable. Er, yeah. That sort of works. Anyway, here’s today’s blog with added update at the end:

 

Every now and then something will pop up that makes me realise that a) how amazing people are and b) how much I have my head in the sand at times. Tonight I’m doing a set at a fundraising gig for the Youth March For Jobs. I vaguely knew that some people were marching from somewhere and that it was about the current unemployment situation, but I have zapping about the country like a photon in a, er, zappy machine, and so through lack of research had no idea that the Jarrow Marchers have marched all 330 miles from Jarrow in the North East of the UK, arriving in London on Nov 5th all against the cuts and the rise in unemployment the government are bringing, much like the Jarrow marchers of the 1936 depression. How amazing is that? I complain if I have to walk 30 minutes, even if I have issues I need to address. Admittedly these issues are usually to do with not having had lunch or something far more tame, but even when I’ve been on huge demonstrations the unhealthy bit of me will usually be flagging by the last stretch. Yet here we have people so upset with the state of things they will march nearly the length of England as statement.

I’ve never been a fan of real jobs but that’s mostly cos I’m shit at doing them, hence my foray into a field of shouting at drunk people. Thing is though, if I was a young person looking for work right now, I’d be terrified. Unemployment has reached an all time high with the figures from 2009 of 1 in 5 young people unable to work, having now risen again in the last two years. I’m currently broke but I’ve never had to live off benefits. Sure I sometimes live off L’s bank balance rather than mine, but even so, its never for that long. How are you meant to look forward to life if you can’t even support yourself? More importantly, how do the government think they’ll ever provide a successful working and earning society if they can’t employ the people that are the future of business? It seems like such a terrible catch 22 situation, and I can’t, for the life of me, understand how Cameron intends for it to work.

Those in jobs are no better, with pension plans coming in yesterday that are supposedly ‘money saving’ according to Danny Alexander. The only way they seem to be money saving is by making people work so hard for a decent pension that they’ll probably die before they get it, therefore meaning the DWP don’t have to hand anything out. Sorry, this blog has just got all miserable hasn’t it? It was meant to be about how great people can be and how constantly in awe of them I am for how they choose to stand up to this sort of oppression. Tonight myself, Simon Munnery and a whole host of comedians and brilliant music types (such as the excellent Grace Petrie. Do check her out at www.gracepetrie.com ) shall be doing our bit to stand up to it and hopefully we can make it fun for those marchers. If nothing else, they’ll get to sit down for a while and watch and I’m sure they need it.

Check out the YM4J site at youthfightforjobs.com or jarrowmarch11.com. For any students out there, check out the march next week on Nov 9 which will be huge and all those worried about their pensions do strike on Nov 30th. Its important we at least try and fix all this.

God I sound preachy. Maybe use the fact that I’ll stop when you fix things as an incentive? Tomorrow I shall whine so much you’ll think whales are dying. Hear that Cameron? No one wants whales to die! No one! Not even sharks!

 

UPDATE

 

I am now home. The gig was shit. It seemed everyone was there was so keen on Marxism they all thought they’d speak at the same time as me to share an equal workload. The stage was in the middle of the pub, by the door lit only by a blue light – an odd choice for the event, which meant no one could be seen properly, an introduction that didn’t even say I was a comic, and a mic that was attached to the stand, I shouted over some people chatting for 15 minutes. Why is it so difficult for some people to get something so easy, right? I stayed long enough to watch the excellent Joe Wells who didn’t get the response he deserved and then ran away even though I knew Ken Loach would be speaking and he’s ace. Sigh. What a shame. Still, thank you to the 20 lovely people who did actually watch and I did the gig so now my karma meter should be back up high somewhere and tomorrow I will actually kill some whales on Cameron’s doorstep as penalty. If he wasn’t such a prick then those people wouldn’t have felt the need to march and I wouldn’t have had to do that shit gig. I hate you David Cameron.

Judging The Mice

If today I was a song, I’d be Stevie Wonder’s ‘Travelling Man’. I mean I am, nearly everyday ‘True O.G’ by Ice-T but as well as that. I’m also a song that describes the extent to which today, I have been travelling. I haven’t gone very far. No. Just from Galway to Shannon, Shannon to Heathrow by air then Heathrow to home arriving but 20 minutes ago, now I have one full hour at home to stop my feet from falling off and then I’m off to Reading University to shout at students. After that I will come home and die slowly, letting all the toxins charmed into me by the Irish over the last few days just eke out of my system like an evil spirit. Don’t get me wrong, it was much fun indeed, but there’s something about the way a Galwegian can say ‘oh go on, have another drink’ that seems to override the logic in the mind sector and before you know it you’re going against all bodily needs to ram a pint of the black stuff down your gob for the umpteenth time that night.

It has been a brilliant weekend for many a reason, but one of the main ones is that the Galway Comedy Festival is one of the few places left where the concept of the secret gig can happen. The people that run it (Kevin, Gerry and Tracey) still care very much about comedy and its that reason that means I got to see Dylan Moran in a venue of 200 people at the Roisin Dubh last night. It was the second time I’d seen him in two nights, having never seen him live before and very much operating on the ‘buses’ theory. Yes, I saw him twice, for free both times because again, another wonderful aspect of the Galway Comedy festival is that comedians can see other comedians for free still. You might assume this happens everywhere as a perk of the job, but more and more it really doesn’t. Comics used to be able to go to the Comedy Store for free to watch acts and learn how to improve, but now unless you’re on or a regular performer there, you have to pay. The Edinburgh festival, even when you have venue passes, will only let you into shows if they aren’t sold out. Sure paying customers should have priority, but there’s nothing like finding out seats have been put aside to see a show for other comedians. I reckon that should always happen. I mean other industries don’t have to pay to see their contemporaries do they? Do staff at Sainsbury’s have to pay to enter Tesco’s? Do bankers have to pay to see another banker suck up the nation’s money? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but its probably no. If you’re in entertainment, you should see entertainment for free, especially as you won’t be enjoying it anyway and be spending most of the night picking it apart.

I didn’t do this with Dylan Moran. I very much just enjoyed the show. Both times. First time because the jokes were a wonderful surprise and one punchline (on which today’s blog title refers to) floored me for several minutes. It all seemed so easy and his phrasing so well written, with some subjects appearing to be the hack topics of others but then handled in a way only he could. I was, for the first time in ages, very much an audience member again. The second time I enjoyed the intimacy of the night. Moran had said the gig at the Black Box theatre to 600 was the smallest gig he’d done in about 6 years, and then last night he performed to only 200 in a room so crowded we were standing squished at the back. The energy and excitement of the room as he walked on stage was electric. I watched as the lines still came out like ad-libs despite hearing them before and found myself watching the whole set more as a comic than before, and still loving it.

I realise this blog is now more boasting than anything else, but its so rare for me to have a weekend where I watch other comics for sheer enjoyment value and its put my brain firmly into gear about what to do next. Stop travelling so much in one day. After that, I don’t know but I have several ideas. Right I’m not sure how this blog had so little direction, but in my head it seemed to work. Quite unlike Moran who’s material appeared to have no direction, and then totally did. Essentially, I’m proving I’ve learnt nothing and I should stop enjoying myself.

Lastly, I meant to post this up yesterday but there is a further NHS bill that could be passed in the House Of Lords tomorrow. If it does, then the government’s legal duty to provide health care in the UK becomes redundant. Quite a terrifying prospect I’m sure you’ll agree? To oppose this, it’d help if you all contacted a Lord before the hearing tomorrow. You can do this very easily by this link:

CONTACT A LORD  

And if you don’t know what to write, try this blurb below:

Example email [short and personal is most effective]

 

Subject: PLEASE vote on Wednesday for Amendment 3 [Health and Social Care Bill]

 

Dear ,

 

I am writing to ask you to vote on Wednesday for Amendment 3 to the Health and Social Care Bill. Proposed by Peers from a range of parties, this amendment will do most to ensure the NHS remains a comprehensive service for everyone in England.

 

One of the fundamental concerns about the Health and Social Care Bill is that it abolishes the legal duty on the Secretary of State to provide health services in England. This duty has ensured mandatory, comprehensive health services for all since 1948.

 

The wording relating to the Secretary of State’s legal duty to provide health services has remained largely unaltered since the 1946 National Health Service Act. The amendment by Shirley Williams and colleagues will ensure this continues to be the case. No convincing rationale has been given for changing the wording of this part of the legislation. However there is widespread and well-founded concern that changing the wording relating to the Secretary of State’s duty to provide health services in England opens the way for a shift from a mandatory to discretionary system of health service in England.

 

Please vote on Wednesday in favour of Amendment 3: reinstate the wording that has been in place since 1946 and thus ensure no room for mistakes or unintended consequences.

 

So much rests on this vote.

 

With thanks,

 

 

[add your name and address]

 

 

Go team!

 

 

Twitriol

My routine in the morning, generally, is to wake up and before I do anything else, check my phone for any overnight correspondence. I realise this is quite sad. Some of you probably have a cup of tea first or use the loo, but in today’s day and age where I may as well have my phone surgically attached to my face (I’d have it on my left cheek if you’re curious) it’s one of the first things in my brain on my to do list for the day. Often I’ll have a series of mixed rubbish, occasionally some nice messages, sometimes a few troll spam things, some dull Facebook events and an email about an event I don’t want to go to. Today however, I received this message from @KSteelePTech:

‘What a wanker you are’.

This wasn’t quite what I was expecting. I did a tweet last night concerning Derren Brown’s show about hypnotising an assassination of Stephen Fry, where I perhaps wasn’t too nice to the celebrity in question and I assumed maybe it was a backlash of that. But checking what it was in reply to, it appeared that actually he was more upset with this tweet I had sent:

@TiernanDouieb Now this has been proven to work I say we all give @DerrenBrown£1 and get Cameron killed. Plan?

Searching through this man’s previous replies to people he seemed to spend a long time telling Ed Balls he was a dick and spouting about how George Osbourne was wrong. It amazes me the vitriol people can have on twitter, and what amazes me more is that those who choose to go out of their way to write something nasty about people’s freedom of speech are nearly always supporters of the Conservative Party or another right wing faction. I never see anyone from the Green Party going round Twitter lambasting anyone who says they’ve driven anywhere. It just doesn’t happen. Sadly it just goes to show that the people who’s mindset is to support a party who’s policies are often to the detriment of others are ignorant themselves and very happy to have double standards on the idea of free speech. I don’t sit around finding everyone who’s supporting David Cameron on Twitter and sending them a message to say how wrong their beliefs are. Though I’m starting to think I should.

I wanted to reply to him about how he obviously never has to use the NHS and neither do any members of his family or their friends. I wanted to question if he gives a shit about disabled people and their rights, or the amount of youth that are unemployed in the country and if he has any offspring and why he wouldn’t be worried about their futures. I could have ranted about how the UK deficit is much lower than many other Western countries and how this is all a scam to implement regimes that are just destroying the country’s economy further while a few will triumph with further wealth. And then I wanted to ask him if he really believed that me calling Cameron a wanker was unjust and more importantly when exactly did I lose my right to express an opinion on anyone or anything when I live in a country where freedom of speech is supposedly a given.

I didn’t though as I couldn’t fit that in a tweet. Instead I blocked him as spam and I hope its ruined his day.

 

Oh on a different note, I was on CBBC’s The Slammer yesterday. You can see it here:

IPLAYER

Lansley, Tosser

I was going to try my best today to write about something other than Andrew Lansley and the NHS but its very difficult. I hate very much that such a loathsome man has taken over not only this week’s blogs but generally much of my thinking for the past week. It’s reached such an extent that last night I was seconds away from turning off Toy Story 3 (an amazing film. Except for the bit where they meet the Sex Toys) ten minutes before the end – you know, when it gets actually properly heart renting and sad? – just to watch that evil man, who’s hair looks like its been superimposed onto his head, squirm around trying to defend his frankly destructive bill. I didn’t stop the film you’ll be glad to hear, and Nat, L and I were all subject to a soaked face replete with pangs for our childhood playthings.

Question Time was amazing though. The audience were so very passionate about the NHS, Phil Hammond was brilliantly brutal at dealing with Lansley and Ken made me wonder how we ever let Boris become London mayor. All the while Mark Littlewood said obnoxious things whilst looking like Hitler and Sarah Sands showed why the Evening Standard is a shit paper. Most importantly, I enjoyed watching Lansley not make eye contact with anyone who asked him questions about the reform. I really enjoyed him making statements that made little sense – telling Phil Hammond, a doctor, that he’s not trusting doctors. Brilliant – followed by him stating that the UK is a great place to work. How dare he promote employment here in a country that has currently got the highest unemployment rate in 17 years? Has he no grounding in reality?

Judging by his plans to curb British obesity that were revealed yesterday, no. The strategy apparently is to ‘eat less, exercise more’. Well done Columbo. Any other horribly obvious plans you want to tell us? Why not tell us that the best way to stop fires is to ‘not set fire to things’ or have we tried ‘sleeping’ to stop tiredness?’ Eating less and exercising more is the best way to stop obesity, granted, but surely more effort should be placed in educating children how best to have a balanced diet and perhaps tackle those big companies that plough fat into their food? Sure Lansley claims they are aiming to reduce calories in their products but that’s not what will help. We need to stop the amount of processed foods available full stop. People need to know what else there is available. But will a Health Secretary who had help writing his health legislation from representatives from McDonalds, Unilever, Walkers and Pepsi do such a thing? No. Because much like with the NHS, he prefers the big companies filling his wallet at the expense of the public.

ANDREW LANSLEY BANKROLLED BY PRIVATE SECTOR

MCDONALDS AND PEPSICO TO HELP WRITE HEALTH LEGISLATION

Even Jamie Oliver has dismissed yesterday’s obesity plans by saying that there are ‘eight-year-olds with more creative solutions to these problems.’ And that’s a man who ensured I never watch him on television again after he used the term ‘easy cheesy.’ I’m just saying. Ultimately its very clear that Andrew Lansley is a man who has very little idea or infact care of what the people of Britain need or want. The NHS bill not only needs to be stopped, but it needs to be stopped in a way that means Lansley has to step down and we get someone who perhaps cares about people’s health not the healthy state of their own bank account.

Apples, Brothers and Doctors

BB BOTS

So did any of you catch my brush with fame last night? Yes it was a tiny tiny brush. Yes fame is perhaps an overstatement. No, you probably didn’t see it. Well if you didn’t, I was only bloody well on Big Brother’s Bit On The Side last night wasn’t I? Yep indeed. This beardy wonder found himself sat next to World Music Award winner Shola Ama and cleaning extraordinaire Kim Woodburn on a panel, talking to the very lovely Emma Willis about the antics of some truly repressed individuals. Here sadly, is where today’s blog gets dull, as it was a joy to do. I wish I could tell you some backstage gossip about how Shola demanded she was only filmed at 76 degree angles or how Kim demands 12 frozen monkeys to be delivered to her dressing room before she’ll step on stage, but annoyingly for you, they were both lovely. As were all the staff at BBBots and Emma Willis. In fact, everyone made such an effort to be warm and welcoming, giving me and L booze as soon as we arrived and plying us with cakes and crisps, that the whole evening was much fun to take part in.

Its amazing what a difference it can make. One arsey floor manager or difficult director can make everyone feel on edge and although I wouldn’t have found it too nervous making in the first place, knowing that everyone seemed supportive made me feel very comfortable with the whole thing. Will I watch Big Brother again this series? No. Probably not. I have spent two weeks cramming knowledge about a bunch of people who’s existances make me sad, but for the amount of fun last night was, I’m fairly glad. Especially when I think about all the fame that’s followed such a tv appearance. What fame? Well let me tell you people, I gained zero Twitter followers and when I looked at the #bbbots hashtag one person said ‘I hate that bearded twat that’s on #bbbots’. There is a small chance she meant Jamie from Holy Moly, but I doubt it. As for me, how have I embraced this new lifestyle? Well I got out of the black Ford Mondeo that was sent to pick me up, got straight into PJs and eat a cold Quorn burger. I expect Heat magazine to come knocking on my door any second now….though it’ll probably be as they are trying to interview someone famous nearby and my music is on too loud. Still, you make do with what you can.

Incidentally I’d like Aden to go out on Friday and I want Jay to win. Just sayin’.

 

NHS

So the Hennessey and Owen amendment sadly wasn’t passed in the house of Lords yesterday, which felt like a blow to the NHS. There was some genuine panic across Twitter and I started to fear the day I have to pay for my diabetic equipment wondering if any one had a medical dictionary I could borrow and how I go about extracting pig insulin myself.

Its not the end of hope for the NHS by any means. If anything, the amount of coverage it got yesterday has highlighted how angry people are, and there are still several stages for it to go through before its fully passed. I’ve said a lot about my opinions on things these last few blogs so here, read this:

ZOE WILLIAMS – COMMENT IS FREE

 

And if you’re wondering what we can do about it? Have a read of this:

WHAT NEXT TO SAVE THE NHS? 

There. Now get to work.

 

iCLOUD

How is it that before Steve Jobs died he didn’t fix making downloading the new iPhone update so laborious? Its not been as slow as usual, but there was still a good hour today where my main means of communication, my iPhone, was otherwise engaged just so I could make its texts look glossier, gain iMessage which seems largely unexciting and probably only serves to help those rioters with iPhone join in the action, and iCloud. iCloud so far has been successful in deleting all my contacts on my phone as they are now synced with the ether in some way. I don’t know what this means. Can I now stroll out into a cloudy day, hold my iPhone aloft into the sky and gain all the numbers in the universe? Somehow I doubt it. Calling an app something as grand as iCloud I expect it to cloud the minds of those I point it at, to conjure digital rain upon foes, or even just make people feel a bit Eeyore type grumpy at will. As yet, it just seems to have overcomplicated a system I rather liked.

Add that to all my apps being taken out of their comfy well named folders (Pics & shiiiiiit, Batman Belt (useful utilities), Gameshizzle and McGuyver Styles amongst many) and once again the advances in technology have merely kicked an OCD sufferer down. And not in the right order to at least make it less painful. In fact I’ve just spent 4 minutes not finishing this blog and trying to put my apps back in the right order. For fuck’s sake Apple! Im off to go get a Blackberry. At least I know with the current screw ups I’ll get a few hours of peace and quiet and no distractions with one of those. Pah.

NHS / Bits On The Side

MORE NHS

Right, look I know I’ve been going on about this every single day for the last week, but its a subject quite close to my heart. If I had any problems with that heart it would be even closer. The NHS bill may get passed today. I’m honestly not sure to what extent, as after watching some of the Lords debate it appears that there are just as many Lords saying how disgusting the proposed changes are, as there are Lords who have a financial investment in a medical company that would benefit from privatisation.

NHS REFORMS D-DAY ARTICLE 

Yes, I’ve linked to the Mirror. That’s how bad things are. Even a paper that has a moral high ground lower than the Low End Theory being listened to in a pit, realises that what’s happening is bad for everyone. Sorry, not everyone. The rich, once again, escape unscathed. Even if they were scathed, I’m sure their private healthcare will sort those scathings out rather quickly at a high cost. So, look, I’m not going to harp on anymore about why the NHS are amazing – in fact Nathaniel Tapley did a blog that says it much better than I ever could:

NATHANIEL TAPLEY – SAVE THE NHS

Nor am I going to go through all the indiscretions in the bill that absolve Parliament of any blame or responsibility over what will happen. Instead, all I will rant about is my inability to understand the people that don’t see why this is wrong. I’m not talking about those who have financial interest in this reform going ahead. I have a feeling many of them can see why its wrong but much like the effects of the ring in Tolkien’s saga, their money possibilities have twisted them to a level of enjoying the schadenfraude of other’s suffering. Maybe. Even if it hasn’t, imagine it has. It just makes them more loathsome. The people I’m talking about are those who don’t seem to care or mind that it’s happening. This is the country’s healthcare system. If it goes to shit because of Andrew Lansley, we are going to suddenly find ourselves with a lot of people unable to afford to keep themselves alive due to medical costs. How is that remotely right? How can you put a price on life? Unless you’re a bounty hunter?

I honestly can’t get it round my head why someone wouldn’t just sign THIS or didn’t want to come on Sunday or even just doesn’t care at all what happens. Sure you can ignore youth services closing if you’re too young or old for that to be an issue, sure you evade any care about prison sentencing, libraries, education or social care if none of those things affect you in your little haven in a village somewhere. But even if every other area of cuts doesn’t have any inkling on your life in any way, then surely the NHS does? Surely you’ve needed healthcare at some point in your life and not even spared a thought for the costs of your anti-biotics/ intensive surgery/ defibrillator use? And it doesn’t bother you that next time that happens, if it happens and ill health happens to the best of us, you’d have to lay out your already debt ridden credit card before they even think about handing over the nebulizer?

If that really doesn’t bother you, if I’m accidentally blogging to invincible readers then I’m sorry. If not, then all you have to do is sign the petition I put above. That’s it. Sure it might not stop things but it puts wheels in motion to show people give a shit about staying alive. Hopefully this bill will only pass with severe examination and changes and prove that we can make a small difference. Then when the Tories attempt another go at really hurting the British people, we might have a bit more of a united front against it. Fingers crossed. Right that’s all my steam released. Releasing steam? Hmm. That’s not right. Maybe I should go see a doctor while I still can…..

 

BB BOTS

In opposition to everything I’ve written above, I’m going to be on Big Brother’s Bit On The Side tonight. Yes, I know beloved fans. One moment I’m doing a protest gig to save a national institution and the next I’m on 5* harping on about which bellend should be evicted from a bunch of bellends. I’m going from condemning big brother to supporting Big Brother. Amazing huh? To be fair, I’m really looking forward to it. I’m on with Shola Ama – remember her? She did that one song. You know that one about needing somebody? Needing somebody to buy her records? Yeah. No, she’s done nothing since – and that one from ‘How Clean Is Your House?’ who I expect to mop the floor with. Arf. I don’t. She seems nice.

I have no idea what I’ll be doing on it, but expect some banter from me about the exploits of all the housemates and I will attempt at some point to say that Anton ‘couldn’t intellectually defeat a cupcake’. I’m not sure why. I’d just like to say it. Keep your peepers peeled at 11pm on 5* for my fizzog. Ta.

Collection of Things

Less a blog today, more a small collection of things of which I wish to inform you. Serious one first:

NHS REFORM BILL

The NHS reform bill is currently being debated by the House of Lords and with the assumption that it will get passed in some format whether we like it or not, this is the last chance to at least try and make changes to it and assure that it is vigourously checked through by experts to stop the most damaging aspects come to fruition.

What can we do? Well you can take 2 minutes to do this:

NHS MESSAGE TO THE LORDS PETITION

You really have no excuse not to.

 

ALTERNATIVE REALITY TOUR

Yesterday I took part in Josie Long’s Alternative Reality Tour in Bedford. Its a brilliant brilliant idea whereby she puts on a show, for free, somewhere in the centre of a supposedly ‘run down’ town and comedians and musicians all entertain whilst saying how much they hate the government. A truly lovely thing. Last night’s was outdoors under the castle mound by the Embankment and (probably because it was a monday) a small but lovely group gathered to hear Josie, Nat Tapley, Simon Munnery, Grace Petrie and me say and sing our thoughts. I’ve never performed in the outdoors by a castle mound before so it was a first to me, and even though my blood sugars had gone low ten minutes before and I felt I garbled out my set, it was a brilliant night. The evening was made for me by two teenagers who’d heard some noise and arrived to investigate. They stuck around for about 3 acts then left saying ‘That was the most random thing ever’, ‘Yeah but it was funny though’. That, as far as I’m concerned, is a win. There’s only two more shows this week, in Gloucester then Devon, but it should become a regular venture of Josie’s soon. Check out the website here:

ALTERNATIVE REALITY TOUR 

Let’s hope this is just the beginning of more comedy returning to being a raconteurs game where laughter can actually change people’s opinions rather than just entertain the drunk.

 

SOUNDS OF THE 70′s

Sometimes I get very bored and make silly things. Yesterday (with help from L) I made these two:

SOUNDS OF THE 70′s – 1

SOUNDS OF THE 70′s – 2

I will make more. I’m not sure why.

 

BLOCK THE BILL, BLOCK THE BRIDGE 

The video I posted up the other day of my set at the protest on Westminster Bridge has been outdone by a superior recording. Many thanks to Miggiuk for posting it:

TIERNAN DOUIEB – WESTMINSTER BRIDGE

 

POLITICAL FOOTBALL

Do you ever find out about something that’s truly exciting? Speaking to very nice journalist man Dan Hancox after the ARTour, he told me of an anarchist football team that recently played a Leninist football team. This concept blew me away. How can anarchists have a football team? How do they work out formation and tactics? Does everyone just do what they want, scoring goals by carrying the ball there, carrying the goalposts elsewhere or just destroying the pitch entirely? And do the Leninists have the opposing team killed if they lose? Or win? So many questions. And the most important of these is: Are there other political or conceptual football teams? A Marxist team where everyone must play all the positions? A capitalist team where everyone is merely out for their own reward? I’d very much like to see a Nihilist team who refuse to play as there is no point or perhaps a surrealist team who has one player standing on top of the goal, one several miles away from the stadium and one dressed as a carrot? If these don’t exist, I feel we should invent them and get a league going. If nothing else, it’d be a damn sight more exciting than most other sports.

Planet Saving For Dummies

Sometimes its very easy to get disheartened with comedy and the world in general. Yesterday was one of those days that fully reaffirmed my faith in both. The Block The Bill, Block The Bridge demonstration yesterday, as organised by UK Uncut was a lovely sunny afternoon of very civil disobedience and one of the nicest afternoons I’ve had in 2011. Thousands of people turned up to show just how much they care about the most important institution in the UK, the NHS, and as Big Ben struck 1, it was an incredible sight to see the bridge amass with people playing dead. There was music, brilliant artwork, interesting people and I got to meet Chris Morris which nearly sent me into babbling mess. Despite a police presence there was no trouble at all, and the whole event, if nothing else, should show that we can stand-up to the misdemeanours of our government without fear of kettling or violence from the authorities. This shows we can do this again, and again and more and more people can join as is our right to be outspoken about the outcome of our country.

PANORAMIC VIEW OF THE BRIDGE

I was there as part of Comedy Block, a show to be performed on the bridge as part of the event. Initially it was to start at 1.30pm but due to a lack of sound system it seemed as though all proceedings would have to be called off, until around 3pm a bicycle powered sound system was discovered. With a variety of lovely volunteers pedalling away (the sound disappearing every time they slowed down or swapped) we finally kicked off and 8 acts, with Chris Coltrane hosting, performed for what was about 800-900 happy protestors. Going on first, and nervous about material I’d written that morning about Andrew Lansley, the show was a dream. Sure we were preaching to the converted – no one at that gig was going to heckle when we were all there for the same reasons – but the rush of performing as part of something that meant something was incredible.

I’d been feeling a tad lost since Edinburgh. After performing an hour show everyday that was based on my personal despair at this country’s current situation, to then suddenly go back to the clubs where political material isn’t what the stag and hen do’s want on a Friday after work, is a bit disheartening. Yet you can’t stop doing those gigs as they pay. I had found myself feeling a bit fed up with it all. Then yesterday changed that and fully made me realise why comedy is brilliant. Performing in front of such an amazing crowd, saying jokes that had a point of view behind them, and purpose and then watching acts such as Josie Long, Mark Thomas, Nat Tapley and more do the same, really made me realise what you can do as a performer. I realise that the high horse might well be back again for me to climb on board, but having the confidence and ability to write jokes that will both make people laugh and maybe encourage them to do more is one of the best feelings in the world. Just having a reason to be part of something that may (and I sadly don’t think it will) make a difference to the bill on Tuesday makes it feel like its worth it.

MY SET AT THE BLOCK THE BILL, BLOCK THE BRIDGE PROTEST

 

I’m not saying you have to do stand-up to make a difference. Everyone there yesterday did it in their own way. Some made banners, some brought instruments, some were just there, and believe me, that’s enough. The protest made its way onto most news outlets (BBC being the slowest and nearest to making derogatory remarks as per usual), which meant people know there is opposition to the bill. That’s all we need to do. Let everyone, especially parliament know we aren’t happy with the destruction of the NHS – something Cameron promised he wouldn’t let happen and once again lied. If you care, then next time remember that there are never ‘enough people going already’. Just rock up, have a great afternoon watching comedy and do so knowing that you are helping change the UK.

 

Lastly, I met someone on the bridge yesterday that was explaining that as the bill is likely to go through, the best we can hope for is that the Lords let it be examined by a special commission. This would mean it isn’t just sent back to the Commons unchanged, but nor are the most destructive parts just overlooked. We only have a day to make any difference so I will post her email, pretty much word for word, below. Please take note and if nothing else, take two minutes out to email a Lord with your requests. Yes it looks like a lot of info but have a read and then you can make it all easier by choosing which Lord to email by using this site:

CONTACT A LORD

Here’s the emails:

 

Hello again, 

It was really good to meet you today.

 

A quick summary of why it’s so important to draw people’s attention to the Hennessy / Owen amendments is at the end of this email.

 

Emails to members of the House of Lords can be short. Something like:

 

Subject: Please support Hennessy & Owen’s amendments in full

 

Dear…,

 

Please support the amendments to the Health and Social Care Bill tabled by Lords Hennessy and Owen. Their proposal offers a way out of the current deadlock for all concerned. It will allow the Bill to continue its passage through Parliament, whilst the most high risk, controversial parts will be referred to a Select Committee for further consideration by the legal and medical experts in the House. As a result, the NHS will be able to get on with its work, Lansley will get his legislation and those opposing the Bill will finally have their concerns properly addressed. This proposal will not stop the progress of this Bill but it will ensure that when it becomes law, it is not toxic to the NHS.

 

Yours sincerely,

…

 

Email addresses are in the attached excel sheet. Where there isn’t an address, click the link and it will take you directly to the relevant page for emailing them via the web.

 

Short, personal emails are most effective. It would help to say things like ‘I’m writing to you because I know you have an interest in health and also law’ but it isn’t essential [details of the Peers are in the excel].

 

The debate is on Tuesday – the actual vote is Wednesday afternoon.

 

Please pass this on as widely as possible – Labour have agreed to vote in favour of the proposal but we need to convince 80 Bishops, and Crossbench and Lib-Dem Peers to vote in favour too.

 

Why the Hennessy / Owen amendments are so important:

 

Ø  On Tuesday, the Lords will decide whether they are going to vote the Health and Social Care Bill out completely [extremely unlikely] or whether they will proceed with it.

Ø  If they don’t vote it out, it will be debated in the House of Lords.

Ø  Ideally, the Bill would be referred to a Select Committee: a sub-group of the Lords including medical and legal experts who would have as much time as they need to properly address the concerns about the Bill.

Ø  However, it’s very rare for a Select Committee to be set up – and it isn’t going to happen here.

Ø  So all members of the House of Lords will have the opportunity to take part in the debate. Which means the time available will be limited and the debate will be pretty superficial – as it was in the Commons.

Ø  Lords Peter Hennessy and David Owen are proposing an alternative.

Ø  They are suggesting that part of the Bill is discussed, as usual, by the whole House. In reality that part it will become law fairly soon.

Ø  But the most risky, controversial parts would be referred to a Select Committee [I can send details if you want to know more].

Ø  This is not a perfect solution but it’s the best option we have. Unless this happens, there is very high likelihood that the Bill will become law with its most dangerous aspects still largely intact.

Ø  David Owen has been way ahead of everyone in his understanding of this Bill. He predicted months ago that the Bill would get through the Commons largely unaltered. It did. He immediately recognised the significance of removing the legal duty on the Secretary of State to provide health services in England. This is now widely recognised as a central concern. He understands that this Bill is still, in effect, a proposal to abolish the NHS.

Ø  The Hennessy / Owen amendments are qualitatively different to the other amendments tabled for discussion in the Lords on Tuesday. They are not proposing specific changes to the Bill. Instead they are providing a way of ensuring the worst of the Bill is properly examined and the necessary changes made before it becomes law.

Ø  Unfortunately, it is taking too long for members of the House of Lords to realise the importance of this proposal.

Ø  The government realises. Which is why senior members of government are currently doing everything possible to persuade the Lords not support this proposal. Yet again they are saying they will amend the Bill to ensure the outstanding concerns are addressed.

Ø  Meanwhile, Lansley has been boasting in meetings that the Bill is a done deal and that the fundamental aspects of the Bill remain unaltered.

And email two:

The link to the Keep Our NHS Public [KONP] website is: http://www.keepournhspublic.com/index.php
but there isn’t specific information about the Hennessy / Owen amendments on there as they were only tabled last Tuesday. But KONP is supporting this proposal.
A good example of what we’re worried about is the current story about the GP practice in York who sent letters out to their patients saying that certain services were no longer available on the NHS and telling them where they could buy these treatments privately. One of the companies they suggested was owned by them [http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/oct/04/nhs-charging-operations-york?newsfeed=true]. People might say ‘That’s OK it’s only ingrowing toe nails – why shouldn’t we pay for that sort of thing?’ The problem that this is just a start:
- decisions about what is and isn’t available on the NHS will be made locally [so there will be huge variation];
- patients will have to pay for health care [or go without];
- there will be conflicts of interest [these GPs stand to benefit personally];
- there will be issues about how patients’ information is passed onto;
- there will be limits to how much we can find out about private companies through the freedom of information act [www.cfoi.org.uk/foi060911pr.html];
- these changes haven’t been made law but are already happening…
An example of how health care in the UK is big business – and of how multinationals for example are set to take over large chunks of the NHS – can be found on the Spinwatch website. The government has been in talks with a German company about the take over of up to 20 hospitals:
The Bill also makes it possible for NHS property to be transferred to the NHS: http://www.dutytoprovide.net/
In short…If the Government’s proposed changes go ahead, “private companies would be entitled to run much of the NHS” and “market forces would determine the way many health services are provided”http://www.dutytoprovide.net/2011/08/27/the-stage-is-set-for-market-forces-to-dictate-the-nhs-despite-recent-assurances-from-the-department-of-health/.
A book worth reading is Deadly Spin by Wendell Potter, who used to work for the private health insurance business in the US. It explains how, once the private health industry gets hold of the NHS, it’s not going to be possible to make it let go again.
The book everyone should read is NHS Plc by Allyson Pollack which explains how we came to be on the brink of losing the NHS to a commercial, American-style system of health-care.
I attended a conference recently at which Lansley spoke. He said he believes, as Machiavelli did, that ‘when you propose a change, everyone will disagree with you’. Therefore ‘you have to do it quickly’.  He said he came into the job with a vision and that he is still convinced he’s right. He’s has, he said, been working on this Bill for 8 years [in fact he laid out his principles for the NHS in a speech in 2005 - these now form the framework for the current Bill: www.andrewlansley.co.uk/newsevent.php?newseventid=21]. Apparently Lansley sees himself as the modern equivalent of John Snow, the nineteenth century hero of public health. Sadly, wanting to be John Snow is not the same as being John Snow. He actually has more in common with his other hero Machiavelli -  he clearly seems to feel morally justified in achieving his goals by any means necessary. So far he has out-manoeuvred us all. I sincerely believe that only this proposal by Peter Hennessy and David Owen will stop the complete dismantling of the legal framework that’s protected the NHS to date. But they need our help…