Baby Cheeses

It is one thing buying a huge half wheel of Stilton on account of it being on offer, but it is another thing entirely to actually eat the entire thing. Since purchasing this blue creamy beast several days ago, it has been crumbled and melted into all sorts of meals in a poor attempt to hack away at its fridge engulfing size, yet still somehow appears to be 2/3 of the size when purchased. Christmas is the time for cheeses right? Oh sorry, I mean Jesus*. But also cheeses. I know cheese exist so I feel far more comfortable assuming one of them was born on Christmas Day and to be honest, I’d be far happier celebrating about it too. I certainly eat cheese on Christmas Day and although I do also eat bread and drink red wine on December 25th, the thought – not least because I’m a veggie – that I’m gnawing on the skin and gulping the blood of a 2011 year old body is rather repulsive. Its amazing we don’t go the whole hog and eat spaghetti as his hair, lychees as his eyes and various other edible items until we get this odd image that Jesus was some sort of food man that has quite a hard time around birds.

Sorry, I didn’t mean this blog to be anti-religious in anyway. After a 5 day hiatus from writing I didn’t want to launch into a tirade of why a product from cows is better than the figurehead icon of an entire religion. However, it does feel appropriate after an odd incident yesterday at the most interesting gig of the week. This blog has been missing due to a daily dose of both Comedy Club 4 Kids shows at the BAC, travelling, and shows in the evening, all interspersed with a Daniel Kitson show at the National Theatre (far too good. Makes me wonder why I bother), Slava’s Snow Show at the Royal Festival Hall (Best. Show. Ever. Fact. Also only non-scary clowns in existence. Fact) and lovely drinks with friends. Essentially, I have barely had time to seriously tackle a half wheel of Stilton with the vigour it deserves, let alone give you daily updates of exactly how I’ve been going about it. Yesterday however, the evening ended with a show at the Occupy Camp at St Paul’s Cathedral.

I am ashamed to say I hadn’t actually been to the camp until yesterday and whilst I understand its depleted in numbers since its beginning, I still found it impressive. Sure I was constantly jumping between thoughts about their sentiments and what they are doing there alongside wondering how they could camp for so long in the cold, rain and constant bells of the cathedral. Then again, I’ve managed to sleep through drunken festival revellers falling against my tent to the hard base of dubstep so I suppose it’s not too indifferent. The show was to take place opposite the steps of the cathedral as part of an evening featuring the Occupy choir, and music from Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly, the King Blues and Lowkey amongst others. A top idea, despite the weather not complying with all of this and refusing to get warm in anyway.

I was concerned about doing the gig as I haven’t been keeping up with politics in the way I should have been lately. Its hard as it gets to Christmas to think about such things when you need to combat the Stilton giant, and so apart from applauding the incredible work of UK Uncut to unmask corporate tax dodging (it made the front page of the Daily Mail and the Telegraph. Amazing) and the occasional check to see that Europe is still in the continual downward economic spiral it’ll now apparently be on till next year, I’ve really not kept in touch or more importantly, written anything new.

But material wasn’t the main problem. Instead a bigger problem appeared to be the huge six foot something high priest, clutching his Bible who had previously been preaching the word (of the Bible, not the shit TV show featuring Terry ‘aptly named for this bit of blog’ Christian, though admittedly, this would have been funnier) to the people outside St Paul’s. As Nick Doody took to the stage to a great crowd of happy, cold (in temperature, not response) revellers, this priest swept on him in minutes, asking why he was swearing and why he was talking but not saying anything. Various Occupy people restrained him and he was taken to one side so that the others could explain to him what they were doing, but throughout Nick and then Chris Coltrane’s set he seemed to think he could continually interrupt the show. Yes, I know we were on the St Paul’s grounds. Yes, I know it wasn’t in a contained room or with paying audience, but still, a little restraint would’ve been nice if not civil. I understand the notion of not swearing at St Paul’s. It seems a tad disrespectful when you think about it (and I hadn’t until he said) and the Occupy camp are not there to disrespect the cathedral. It was also early evening, in a public area and you just don’t know who might be passing by that could take offence. However, to then say that we were ‘talking but not saying anything’ and complaining that we were talking at all, just seemed a bit rude. It’s fine for him to harp on at people about stories they may or may not believe and yet for us to ‘preach’ – and I use that term as loosely as possible – its a problem. I find that once again a member of the church is able to be more hypocritical than others. I can’t understand this constant demeaning of what Occupy are doing when, if we are, as Cameron said, to return the UK to Christian Values, then we should, like Jesus, cast out the bankers and turn the tables of the moneylenders. It seems Occupy are more in line with St Paul’s than they think.

During my set the priest just loomed in the crowd, right in front of me, shaking his head every time I said a joke. I refrained from swearing, as I thought that may help us reach some middle ground, but he didn’t even stop shaking his head when I stopped doing political jokes and finished on talking about Lionel Richie. Perhaps, you just aren’t allowed to appreciate any comedy if you don’t appreciate Christianity? Or, more likely, he wasn’t listening to anything anyone said and just assumed we were in the wrong. Either way, he has only spurned me to consider making a small effigy of the baby cheeses – babybel and er, those small cheddars you get at the supermarket. Less hypocrisy this Christmas everyone please? Although judging by the Tim Minchin track that was banned from Jonathan Ross’s chat show, its unlikely. Shame as it’s a bloody good song too:

TIM MINCHIN’S JESUS SONG

We are in the 21st century right guys? Guys? There is a difference between being distasteful and doing actual comedy isn’t there? Or having a political point? No? No? Sigh. Sometimes this world makes me very fed up. At least at the end of the day I know, thanks to Mega Stilton, I’ll have some awesome escapist dreams.

 

* I should note that this one of Bennet Aaron’s excellent jokes and I shan’t take credit for it.

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Student Protest / Eurover Your Head

I should be on the student march today. I’ve spent weeks telling students at gigs to go on it, I’ve tweeted about it, FB’d about it and blogged about it, totally and utterly support it and so, all in all, I should be there. Except I’m not. I’m at home, in my pyjamas, feeling full of a cold and all a bit miserable and guilty about it. The notion of marching in order to campaign about the rights to higher education for all have changed to worrying about stomping around in the cold, sniffling while I go. I’m fully aware how pathetic it is, and I’m trying my best to watch from afar and forward any tweets that may help those there. So far, thankfully, it all seems peaceful, which the BBC are crediting to the presence of the police. This is the BBC who are refusing to mention how many people are there, have only just started showing footage one and a half hours in, and have spent a lot of today reporting on ‘terrible treatment of patients in the NHS’ without once stating that better funding and care from the government towards the institution might improve a dying system. I’m not there so I can’t commentate on how it actually is, but watching the pictures where police are pretty much lining every section of the march, makes it all look quite oppressive. I can’t help but feel that while there is no trouble now, its due to fear and intimidation, and though I can’t be sure, I’d assume the peaceful atmosphere would be one of good nature if the police weren’t there at all. I still don’t understand the notion that the UK allows ‘freedom of speech’ when demonstrations require liaisons with the authorities that are protested against.

The police have issued memo’s to all protestors saying the ‘route mustn’t be deviated from’, with threat of arrest if they do, but this is essentially imprisoning them along the march route rather than making it more peaceful. If I had been there and had a diabetic attack I might have needed to leave to gain sugar from somewhere at a point, would that have made me arrestable? The streets of London aren’t privatised so while I understand it allows some level of control, it is merely turning a protest about human rights into a moving blockade. Then, on the other hand, I’m watching the news as several protestors have deviated from said route to set up tents at Trafalgar Square and I can’t help but feel this is just provoking a situation that does not need any extra provocation and will no doubt end badly. The whole situation very much upsets me.

I hope it doesn’t. I hope it all ends peacefully and can prove to even more people that its ok to fight everything that’s happening. Today the Conservatives have said they are trying to overturn the ban on using cluster bombs in war, a ban that was fought for after the inhumane use of such a terrible weapon. The irregularity of where the bomb clusters land has harmed so many innocent people across the world, and after much campaigning their use has now been quelled. Yet our government, along with the long list of other terrible things they are doing simply for personal profit and gain, is joining the US in trying to overturn that ban, presumably because it will give BAE systems more cash, which in turn will fund the Tories. Good luck to the students today, and let’s hope they make some sort of impact on the Coalition who insist on consistently giving humanity a bad name.

 

I’ll comment more on this tomorrow when we see how the protest turns out. Till then, here is a blog that was going to be up on the GetComedy.com website, but as its not live yet, I’m posting it here before it all goes out of date. I will be starting a weekly news blog there soonish. Till then, try this:

 

Here be my views on the news. News views if you like. Every week I shall be rounding up the important issues like wordy sheep and penning them into an easy to use shearing shack till its all a little less woolly to deal with. Hmm, that metaphor worked much better than I expected. This week, The EuroZone Crisis!

 

Euro-ver Your Head

 

The Euro eh? Looks like a little moustache when tipped over, a tiny hair comb when on it’s side or a dead woodlouse when on its back. We all know it well from when we travel across the waters Eastwards, pretending to understand how much our English pounds are worth, then getting all upset when we return to the UK to find ‘everything was pretty much the same price as home.’ That’s about the extent of it I thought, but these last few weeks a very B Movie sounding ‘Crisis In The Eurozone’ has been all over the news and it appears the little E coins are in hefty trouble.

It all seems Greek to me, as I’m sure it does to you, in more ways than one. Well here’s how it goes in T-Speak and I’ll try my best. Let’s go team:

Greece, much like many big Western countries, have, over the years, borrowed a shed load of money from other countries, who in turn have been borrowing money from others and consequently as it seems to be, a whole lot of imaginary money has been moved around more than the residents of Dale Farm. We are made to believe that Greece went all a bit ‘middle aged lady in the Christmas sales’ with its spending once joining the Euro and is now in several shades of shit that they can’t flush away due to the poor sewage system. Well it might be able to, but them big peoples in the banks have decided they probably won’t be able to pay anything back for some reason – even though everywhere else has all the debt too, and so that’s that. After two bailouts, they were offered a 50% haircut by the EFSF (European Financial Stability Facility…and breath….). Not sure how this would help but I guess if half the country felt more snazzy due to their neatly trimmed barnets then maybe it would at least cheer them up.

Anyway, I digress. PM George Papandreou called for a referendum on such matters and it hurt the IMF’s (like the KLF only more likely to fund you than rock you. I think this is the most out of date reference I have) feelings so much that he’d rejected their lovely present that they said Greece could have ‘nowt till this referendum finished and then everyone hated Georgey, then Georgey said they wouldn’t have a referendum ‘cos he all chickened out, and now Greece are still screwed, and he’s lost his dignity and everyone was calling him Poopyandreou. Probably. So after much debate he’s finally agreed to step down and now Greece awaits its new coalition parliament, which I’m sure will do them well. I mean, that’s what the UK’s got and we’re thriving right now. Right? Right?

Either way it seems there is a chance that Greece may still ‘default’, even if they stopped smashing plates and started to have small thin weddings. If my iPhone returns to default settings it goes back to how it originally was before I added lots of pointless Apps and filled it with dross. It would be nice to think that if Greece defaulted it’d go back to ancient times with awesome gods, togas and dubious sexual behaviour. Sadly however, it more likely means Greece’s repayment schedule will resemble a Royal Mail delivery card stating it’ll be paid back some point between ‘now and whenever’. This of course will screw everyone and their dads up, having a knock on effect on all the countries who are responsible for holding Greece’s sovereign debt and therefore like a domino shit slide knock everyone down until the the PM’s of each country pretend they have no cash at all even though it’s all made up in the first place and the lower classes have to eat mud. Currently it looks like Italy is next to be hit with their borrowing at an all time high. Which makes sense as Berlusconi has been borrowing most of his country’s patience for quite some time now. Now, even though that idiot has said he’ll resign too, it hasn’t seemed to boost faith in investors, which may be due to worry that unemployment for buxom young ladies may rise with Berlusconi gone.

Soooooo, how does it affect us in the UK? Well, supposedly Cameron says it won’t. Funding the IMF with money that seemingly comes from nowhere despite all these cuts apparently doesn’t affect the tax payer, or the offshore tax avoider (that’s for another blog), and having already reject paying more into the IMF, we are apparently safe from more cash probs. Then again, Cameron finished the G20 without really outlining what he will be doing and saying that financing the IMF ‘is the right thing to do for an advanced economy like ours’. Which makes it sound like he hasn’t got a clue. Advanced economy eh? A term that hasn’t seemed to come into play when discussing pensions, the NHS or any other area that affects everyone except the very rich.

A constantly diminishing in value 1c for my thoughts?  Well I think we just help everyone all the time and big hugs and that, especially the Greeks as they gave us loads of inventions and pitta bread. Of course that can’t just happen because imaginary money is real or something, and nobody will listen to my idea of heading back to olden times when we could just swap 20 potatoes for a car or a cow for magic beans. So ultimately, er, nothing. We can’t really do anything. We can support those who protest against it, and protest with them and hope to god those big wigs who are in charge of all that cash don’t give us all 50% haircuts so we look like an early 90’s rap star.

 

Collection of Things

Less a blog today, more a small collection of things of which I wish to inform you. Serious one first:

NHS REFORM BILL

The NHS reform bill is currently being debated by the House of Lords and with the assumption that it will get passed in some format whether we like it or not, this is the last chance to at least try and make changes to it and assure that it is vigourously checked through by experts to stop the most damaging aspects come to fruition.

What can we do? Well you can take 2 minutes to do this:

NHS MESSAGE TO THE LORDS PETITION

You really have no excuse not to.

 

ALTERNATIVE REALITY TOUR

Yesterday I took part in Josie Long’s Alternative Reality Tour in Bedford. Its a brilliant brilliant idea whereby she puts on a show, for free, somewhere in the centre of a supposedly ‘run down’ town and comedians and musicians all entertain whilst saying how much they hate the government. A truly lovely thing. Last night’s was outdoors under the castle mound by the Embankment and (probably because it was a monday) a small but lovely group gathered to hear Josie, Nat Tapley, Simon Munnery, Grace Petrie and me say and sing our thoughts. I’ve never performed in the outdoors by a castle mound before so it was a first to me, and even though my blood sugars had gone low ten minutes before and I felt I garbled out my set, it was a brilliant night. The evening was made for me by two teenagers who’d heard some noise and arrived to investigate. They stuck around for about 3 acts then left saying ‘That was the most random thing ever’, ‘Yeah but it was funny though’. That, as far as I’m concerned, is a win. There’s only two more shows this week, in Gloucester then Devon, but it should become a regular venture of Josie’s soon. Check out the website here:

ALTERNATIVE REALITY TOUR 

Let’s hope this is just the beginning of more comedy returning to being a raconteurs game where laughter can actually change people’s opinions rather than just entertain the drunk.

 

SOUNDS OF THE 70′s

Sometimes I get very bored and make silly things. Yesterday (with help from L) I made these two:

SOUNDS OF THE 70′s – 1

SOUNDS OF THE 70′s – 2

I will make more. I’m not sure why.

 

BLOCK THE BILL, BLOCK THE BRIDGE 

The video I posted up the other day of my set at the protest on Westminster Bridge has been outdone by a superior recording. Many thanks to Miggiuk for posting it:

TIERNAN DOUIEB – WESTMINSTER BRIDGE

 

POLITICAL FOOTBALL

Do you ever find out about something that’s truly exciting? Speaking to very nice journalist man Dan Hancox after the ARTour, he told me of an anarchist football team that recently played a Leninist football team. This concept blew me away. How can anarchists have a football team? How do they work out formation and tactics? Does everyone just do what they want, scoring goals by carrying the ball there, carrying the goalposts elsewhere or just destroying the pitch entirely? And do the Leninists have the opposing team killed if they lose? Or win? So many questions. And the most important of these is: Are there other political or conceptual football teams? A Marxist team where everyone must play all the positions? A capitalist team where everyone is merely out for their own reward? I’d very much like to see a Nihilist team who refuse to play as there is no point or perhaps a surrealist team who has one player standing on top of the goal, one several miles away from the stadium and one dressed as a carrot? If these don’t exist, I feel we should invent them and get a league going. If nothing else, it’d be a damn sight more exciting than most other sports.

Planet Saving For Dummies

Sometimes its very easy to get disheartened with comedy and the world in general. Yesterday was one of those days that fully reaffirmed my faith in both. The Block The Bill, Block The Bridge demonstration yesterday, as organised by UK Uncut was a lovely sunny afternoon of very civil disobedience and one of the nicest afternoons I’ve had in 2011. Thousands of people turned up to show just how much they care about the most important institution in the UK, the NHS, and as Big Ben struck 1, it was an incredible sight to see the bridge amass with people playing dead. There was music, brilliant artwork, interesting people and I got to meet Chris Morris which nearly sent me into babbling mess. Despite a police presence there was no trouble at all, and the whole event, if nothing else, should show that we can stand-up to the misdemeanours of our government without fear of kettling or violence from the authorities. This shows we can do this again, and again and more and more people can join as is our right to be outspoken about the outcome of our country.

PANORAMIC VIEW OF THE BRIDGE

I was there as part of Comedy Block, a show to be performed on the bridge as part of the event. Initially it was to start at 1.30pm but due to a lack of sound system it seemed as though all proceedings would have to be called off, until around 3pm a bicycle powered sound system was discovered. With a variety of lovely volunteers pedalling away (the sound disappearing every time they slowed down or swapped) we finally kicked off and 8 acts, with Chris Coltrane hosting, performed for what was about 800-900 happy protestors. Going on first, and nervous about material I’d written that morning about Andrew Lansley, the show was a dream. Sure we were preaching to the converted – no one at that gig was going to heckle when we were all there for the same reasons – but the rush of performing as part of something that meant something was incredible.

I’d been feeling a tad lost since Edinburgh. After performing an hour show everyday that was based on my personal despair at this country’s current situation, to then suddenly go back to the clubs where political material isn’t what the stag and hen do’s want on a Friday after work, is a bit disheartening. Yet you can’t stop doing those gigs as they pay. I had found myself feeling a bit fed up with it all. Then yesterday changed that and fully made me realise why comedy is brilliant. Performing in front of such an amazing crowd, saying jokes that had a point of view behind them, and purpose and then watching acts such as Josie Long, Mark Thomas, Nat Tapley and more do the same, really made me realise what you can do as a performer. I realise that the high horse might well be back again for me to climb on board, but having the confidence and ability to write jokes that will both make people laugh and maybe encourage them to do more is one of the best feelings in the world. Just having a reason to be part of something that may (and I sadly don’t think it will) make a difference to the bill on Tuesday makes it feel like its worth it.

MY SET AT THE BLOCK THE BILL, BLOCK THE BRIDGE PROTEST

 

I’m not saying you have to do stand-up to make a difference. Everyone there yesterday did it in their own way. Some made banners, some brought instruments, some were just there, and believe me, that’s enough. The protest made its way onto most news outlets (BBC being the slowest and nearest to making derogatory remarks as per usual), which meant people know there is opposition to the bill. That’s all we need to do. Let everyone, especially parliament know we aren’t happy with the destruction of the NHS – something Cameron promised he wouldn’t let happen and once again lied. If you care, then next time remember that there are never ‘enough people going already’. Just rock up, have a great afternoon watching comedy and do so knowing that you are helping change the UK.

 

Lastly, I met someone on the bridge yesterday that was explaining that as the bill is likely to go through, the best we can hope for is that the Lords let it be examined by a special commission. This would mean it isn’t just sent back to the Commons unchanged, but nor are the most destructive parts just overlooked. We only have a day to make any difference so I will post her email, pretty much word for word, below. Please take note and if nothing else, take two minutes out to email a Lord with your requests. Yes it looks like a lot of info but have a read and then you can make it all easier by choosing which Lord to email by using this site:

CONTACT A LORD

Here’s the emails:

 

Hello again, 

It was really good to meet you today.

 

A quick summary of why it’s so important to draw people’s attention to the Hennessy / Owen amendments is at the end of this email.

 

Emails to members of the House of Lords can be short. Something like:

 

Subject: Please support Hennessy & Owen’s amendments in full

 

Dear…,

 

Please support the amendments to the Health and Social Care Bill tabled by Lords Hennessy and Owen. Their proposal offers a way out of the current deadlock for all concerned. It will allow the Bill to continue its passage through Parliament, whilst the most high risk, controversial parts will be referred to a Select Committee for further consideration by the legal and medical experts in the House. As a result, the NHS will be able to get on with its work, Lansley will get his legislation and those opposing the Bill will finally have their concerns properly addressed. This proposal will not stop the progress of this Bill but it will ensure that when it becomes law, it is not toxic to the NHS.

 

Yours sincerely,

…

 

Email addresses are in the attached excel sheet. Where there isn’t an address, click the link and it will take you directly to the relevant page for emailing them via the web.

 

Short, personal emails are most effective. It would help to say things like ‘I’m writing to you because I know you have an interest in health and also law’ but it isn’t essential [details of the Peers are in the excel].

 

The debate is on Tuesday – the actual vote is Wednesday afternoon.

 

Please pass this on as widely as possible – Labour have agreed to vote in favour of the proposal but we need to convince 80 Bishops, and Crossbench and Lib-Dem Peers to vote in favour too.

 

Why the Hennessy / Owen amendments are so important:

 

Ø  On Tuesday, the Lords will decide whether they are going to vote the Health and Social Care Bill out completely [extremely unlikely] or whether they will proceed with it.

Ø  If they don’t vote it out, it will be debated in the House of Lords.

Ø  Ideally, the Bill would be referred to a Select Committee: a sub-group of the Lords including medical and legal experts who would have as much time as they need to properly address the concerns about the Bill.

Ø  However, it’s very rare for a Select Committee to be set up – and it isn’t going to happen here.

Ø  So all members of the House of Lords will have the opportunity to take part in the debate. Which means the time available will be limited and the debate will be pretty superficial – as it was in the Commons.

Ø  Lords Peter Hennessy and David Owen are proposing an alternative.

Ø  They are suggesting that part of the Bill is discussed, as usual, by the whole House. In reality that part it will become law fairly soon.

Ø  But the most risky, controversial parts would be referred to a Select Committee [I can send details if you want to know more].

Ø  This is not a perfect solution but it’s the best option we have. Unless this happens, there is very high likelihood that the Bill will become law with its most dangerous aspects still largely intact.

Ø  David Owen has been way ahead of everyone in his understanding of this Bill. He predicted months ago that the Bill would get through the Commons largely unaltered. It did. He immediately recognised the significance of removing the legal duty on the Secretary of State to provide health services in England. This is now widely recognised as a central concern. He understands that this Bill is still, in effect, a proposal to abolish the NHS.

Ø  The Hennessy / Owen amendments are qualitatively different to the other amendments tabled for discussion in the Lords on Tuesday. They are not proposing specific changes to the Bill. Instead they are providing a way of ensuring the worst of the Bill is properly examined and the necessary changes made before it becomes law.

Ø  Unfortunately, it is taking too long for members of the House of Lords to realise the importance of this proposal.

Ø  The government realises. Which is why senior members of government are currently doing everything possible to persuade the Lords not support this proposal. Yet again they are saying they will amend the Bill to ensure the outstanding concerns are addressed.

Ø  Meanwhile, Lansley has been boasting in meetings that the Bill is a done deal and that the fundamental aspects of the Bill remain unaltered.

And email two:

The link to the Keep Our NHS Public [KONP] website is: http://www.keepournhspublic.com/index.php
but there isn’t specific information about the Hennessy / Owen amendments on there as they were only tabled last Tuesday. But KONP is supporting this proposal.
A good example of what we’re worried about is the current story about the GP practice in York who sent letters out to their patients saying that certain services were no longer available on the NHS and telling them where they could buy these treatments privately. One of the companies they suggested was owned by them [http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/oct/04/nhs-charging-operations-york?newsfeed=true]. People might say ‘That’s OK it’s only ingrowing toe nails – why shouldn’t we pay for that sort of thing?’ The problem that this is just a start:
- decisions about what is and isn’t available on the NHS will be made locally [so there will be huge variation];
- patients will have to pay for health care [or go without];
- there will be conflicts of interest [these GPs stand to benefit personally];
- there will be issues about how patients’ information is passed onto;
- there will be limits to how much we can find out about private companies through the freedom of information act [www.cfoi.org.uk/foi060911pr.html];
- these changes haven’t been made law but are already happening…
An example of how health care in the UK is big business – and of how multinationals for example are set to take over large chunks of the NHS – can be found on the Spinwatch website. The government has been in talks with a German company about the take over of up to 20 hospitals:
The Bill also makes it possible for NHS property to be transferred to the NHS: http://www.dutytoprovide.net/
In short…If the Government’s proposed changes go ahead, “private companies would be entitled to run much of the NHS” and “market forces would determine the way many health services are provided”http://www.dutytoprovide.net/2011/08/27/the-stage-is-set-for-market-forces-to-dictate-the-nhs-despite-recent-assurances-from-the-department-of-health/.
A book worth reading is Deadly Spin by Wendell Potter, who used to work for the private health insurance business in the US. It explains how, once the private health industry gets hold of the NHS, it’s not going to be possible to make it let go again.
The book everyone should read is NHS Plc by Allyson Pollack which explains how we came to be on the brink of losing the NHS to a commercial, American-style system of health-care.
I attended a conference recently at which Lansley spoke. He said he believes, as Machiavelli did, that ‘when you propose a change, everyone will disagree with you’. Therefore ‘you have to do it quickly’.  He said he came into the job with a vision and that he is still convinced he’s right. He’s has, he said, been working on this Bill for 8 years [in fact he laid out his principles for the NHS in a speech in 2005 - these now form the framework for the current Bill: www.andrewlansley.co.uk/newsevent.php?newseventid=21]. Apparently Lansley sees himself as the modern equivalent of John Snow, the nineteenth century hero of public health. Sadly, wanting to be John Snow is not the same as being John Snow. He actually has more in common with his other hero Machiavelli -  he clearly seems to feel morally justified in achieving his goals by any means necessary. So far he has out-manoeuvred us all. I sincerely believe that only this proposal by Peter Hennessy and David Owen will stop the complete dismantling of the legal framework that’s protected the NHS to date. But they need our help…

Block The Bridge

A very short blog today as I’m off to this:

BLOCK THE BRIDGE

Which is one of the most important protests you could possibly attend. I’m meant to be doing stand-up there today but I’m really struggling to find humour in the notion of the NHS being destroyed in place of a privatised system that the government have no accountability for. I ranted about such things only the other day (see National Health Disservice ) but since then I’ve got slightly more clued up on how preposterous the entire situation is. Have a read of this:

POLLY TOYNBEE ARTICLE

Yes, I know there is a lot of reading to do today but trust me, if you care about your own health and live in the UK, let alone caring about the health of anyone else in the UK, then you shouldn’t hesitate to cram some knowledge cookies down your brainbox. The more people know about this, the less the government can get away with it. There are so many clauses since the bill’s amendment in the Spring that haven’t been checked and will now not be checked in time before the bill is passed that we could essentially let something slide that has points 1-600 saying ‘ everyone ill over the age of 65 will be turned into Soylent Green’.

Without meaning to repeat myself from previous blogs, but the notion that the Care Quality Commision will be so overrun with applications that unqualified people will be tampering with my body is terrifying. Sure unqualified people have tampered with my body before, but I was usually drunk and at least a little bit attracted to them. A little bit. My concern is that I’ll go to my Opthamologists to find an Apple ‘i’ doctor ready with a spoon and a maglite as he fancied a job change. I don’t want my diabetic specialists replaced with a representative from Mars Incorporated who insist that one of their products a day will help me work, rest and play whilst keeping quiet its part of their own tests to see how ill the bars make Type 1 sufferers. I definitely don’t want my podiatrist being replaced with someone from Nike, knowing full well all their recommendations require me buying expensive trainers. Yes it’s an exaggerated view, but imagine your hospitals budget being run miles away by a company that couldn’t give a shit if you live or die, and more whether its drugs are being sold in the fuckton and how their annual figures are. Scary huh?

My only plan is that if this bill is passed, we should all save whatever pennies we have and find the private hospitals that Cameron & Lansley use, all subscribe to their services for at least a month and consistently clog up the service with the most minor of ailment complaints to show those elitist arseholes what happens to a system when its oversubscribed and not cared for. Then I’m going to register as a ‘surgeon’ and keep praying they have an accident.

You should go today. If you’re not going then at least do this:

CONTACT A LORD

We have to stop this happening. End of argument.

 

NB. If you are a reader from abroad, apologies for these constant UK based blogs, but hopefully it’ll either help you to stop such things from happening where you are, or perhaps if you already live in a society without a national health service, you can inform those you know in the UK of just what its like having a cost on your lives.

 

National Health Disservice

I have accidentally made too much popcorn. Unpopped corn appears to be one of those unquantifiable solids in the universe. Sure I’ve got to ‘put enough kernels to cover the bottom of the pan’ but we all know that’s never enough, but as soon as you add even one more kernel than that to the mix, suddenly they’ve bred like Gremlins at a Volvic factory and you have all the corn in the world, as though Odeon have decided to ambush you. There are certain substances that exist like this. Muesli is another one. No matter how much muesli you put in your bowl, its always too much. Two teaspoons? Yeah, I want two teaspoons of muesli. Add milk, then suddenly, six VATS of muesli have flooded your kitchen and you have to hire a field of horses to eat their way through it. I bet horses eat muesli. They look like they do. Anyway, scientists should really look into how this occurs to create a similar effect with money or Xbox games and then save the planet. Though I’m sure instead the secret would end up in the hands of evil and we’d find that countries besieged with war would suddenly have thousands of casualties of muesli flooding or perhaps houses filled with popcorn bombs that overfill the house till it bursts from the inside out. These are the sorts of things I am usually concerned about.

Another thing I am very concerned about is what’s going to happen to the NHS. I know. You didn’t even see that link coming? Slick wasn’t it? Read it back, enjoy it. Try and work out how it really doesn’t work and yet it does. Much like the popcorn mystery. Ooh another link! So yes, as I was saying (I wasn’t. I was typing. I don’t say the words out aloud as I input them). It amazes me that even after several hundred healthcare professionals have stated that the NHS changes will cause ‘irreparable damage’ that the government still aren’t considering a U-turn on its action to change the infrastructure that’s worked for so long. If anyone knows about the ‘if it ain’t broke’ stratagem, its the NHS, being that they wouldn’t fix a bone on a patient for the sake of it. Sure its not the most perfect system in the world, but its largely only got worse due to cuts in funding and ridiculous high costs and taxes on medical supplies. It is and has been one of the UK’s most important public services, if not the most important public service since its creation in 1944.

I happily moan about the NHS on a regular basis. My local hospital, The Whittington, is on my phone as ‘The Shittington’. This makes me chuckle in a childish manner every time they call and once booking an appointment in, I will tell anyone I can how long I’ll have to wait when I get there and how it’ll take up my whole day just so a doctor can say ‘come back in 8 months.’ Thing is, its really not very bad. As a type 1 insulin diabetic I have received treatment and care that by now, under a privatised system, would have cost hundreds and hundreds of thousands. Either that or I’d only be able to eat cucumber all day every day and trust me, that’d get wearing. Though I would be thinner. And have lovely skin. Hmm. Er, anyway, I wouldn’t have my diabetic pump right now that saves me injecting 5 times a day – I was genuinely getting worried I’d drink water and it’d pour out of me like a sprinkler system – and has given me the best control of my blood sugar levels since I stopped letting my parents be in charge of my health (this wasn’t as long ago as you’d think considering I rang my dad only yesterday to ask abut my headaches).

It does work, and it’d work better if the government put funding into the right areas. GPs shouldn’t be allowed to have management over the money of our health service. In all my years of diabetes (26 now, should you ask) a GP has only ever referred me to a doctor at a hospital to be dealt with if its anything more than a flu. Even flu has required them sifting through books and manuals to find what it is, rather than knowing. Even worse was my last GP who spent ages trying to fob off different tablets at me ‘for my blood sugars’ only for my hospital doctor to tell me that they should only be prescribed to Asian men over the age of 45 and that I should never ever have been taking them! Turned out my GP would get a bonus every time he prescribed such drugs and I knew then that my health was secondary to his pay check. To think that there are GPs out there – and by no means do I mean all of them. My current one is awesome – that will be using the budget they are given for purposes that aren’t in patients interests, is worrying.

Health professionals know what they are talking about when it comes to healthcare. That’s why they are health professionals. I know this doesn’t resonate with Andrew Lansley considering that representatives from Unilever, McDonalds, Walkers crips and Pepsi have all helped input into the health legislation. If anything it seems he’ll only do the exact opposite of what’s necessary to keep this country’s health in good condition. Considering people will start being too poor to eat well, or afford the gym or other ‘luxuries’ anytime soon, surely it should be a priority? Of course its not though, as money comes first. I really hope Andrew Lansley considers a similar ignorance of healthcare professionals should he get very ill.

Rant over. I’ll continue eating my mountain of popcorn now thinking about the world’s wrongs. Should you want to do your bit to save the NHS, you could attend this which should be excellent:

BLOCK THE BRIDGE – UK UNCUT

Strike

Part of me was so wanting to be in solidarity with everyone that’s on strike today that I seriously considered not writing this blog as protest. It seemed a tad petty though, not least because I am still doing my gig tonight and being self-employed makes it quite hard to go on strike, but I wanted to do something that showed I am in full support of everything that’s happening today. I mean, not everything everywhere. I’m fairly sure somewhere some bad things are happening and I want you to know, that’s not getting any support from me. But everything to do with the unions forming picket lines against proposed pension cuts and pension age increases? I’m Captain Backing That McBackamus. I think its amazing as many people are refusing to work today as there are, and once again shows just how wrong everything this government is doing is in terms of understanding what the people want.

I’ve been through pensions and why they shouldn’t increase before so let me take this blog in a different vein and tell you just how upset I am that all of the main party leaders are opposed to strikes. Cameron I knew would be, Clegg much in the same fashion, but Milliband? Leader of Labour – supposedly, although it hasn’t been for many years, the worker’s party – deciding that the people shouldn’t have their say against these changes that will affect their work, their lives and their love for their job? Once again it backs my theory that they are all the same and this country is being run by businessmen and not politicians.

Now I’m sure that some of you are sitting here thinking ‘but those people striking means I can’t get my train/plane/ambulance that I need?’ And yes, I suppose that is annoying. However, you’re a selfish prick and perhaps you should stop thinking about your immediate needs and instead focus on the fact that if these people right now don’t stand up for what they believe in and fair pay and pensions for the jobs they care about, then they might not want to work in those positions anymore and you might never get your plane/train/ambulance again or worse, the whole system becomes privatised and you struggle to afford for your emergency services vehicle as they patiently sit while your artery bleeds until you can cough up another £20.

What has upset me the most was Gove stating that if teachers go on strike today that it shows a lack of respect for their workplace and career as it lets down children and the parents of those children who have to suddenly find childcare. This is the most hypocritical comment I’ve heard since the last one the Tories made. Nothing shows a lack of respect for the job of teaching quite like disrespecting their pensions in the way the government currently is. How can anyone look forward to a job that is rewarded by struggling through old age as some sort of present for teaching the nation’s future? These teachers, and in fact everyone that’s on strike today, love their jobs more than you can imagine and that’s why they want to save the professions and stop them from becoming unaffordable vocations, paying such pittance that those who undertake the responsible roles can barely look after themselves.

You know why the government don’t want people to strike? Because they have the human right to and if they chose not to it would show they weren’t too concerned. It would make it look like another decision the government have made that won’t affect anyone and only years down the line when everyone is striving to make their bills once retired, not living the post work life they deserve, that everyone will realise they were wrong. I hope everyone is on strike today and London comes to a full stand-still. Everyone out there today has my utmost respect. Solidarity indeed.

The Man With the Moustache

Do you ever find something out that just blows your tiny mind? Sometimes you stumble across a fact or a finding that changes the entire way you look at life and makes you reevaluate the entire point of living? These are never normally intentional discoveries, unless by trade you go under the professional title of explorer or scientist, in which case you are likely to discover alien life or a new theory of evolution almost everyday. But for the rest of us, the ‘normals’ if you will, these events tend to ambush us like carefully timed mind bombs of life fuckery. Well readers, one of these exploded in my mush just yesterday evening.

My parents returned home from a holiday in India yesterday. They had been there for two and half weeks and had the holiday of their lives, travelling all over the North of the country. I had been receiving hilarious text updates from them throughout with such nuggets of information as ‘we’ve been leapord spotting’ – comment that was impossible not to send back ‘don’t they have spots already?’; ‘we’ve seen a man with a tooth that’s grown right over his chin, weird’ and ‘ its 42 degrees, you could cook eggs on the floor. Not that we’d risk eating them.’ Move over Alan Wicker and Judith Chalmers I say. So last night, despite their jet lag, I caught up with them and was taken through the most amazingly colourful photos and stories ranging from the cows who knock on their owners door at 1pm to get fed dhaal and rice, to the explanation of Holi and the story of a French woman who got monkey poo on her head. However, in the midst of all this, my mum showed me a photo she had taken especially for me. It was a picture of a man holding either side of his own mustache at arms length. Yes, it was that long. Behind him was a picture of the man performing such a feat and it seemed he would stand there everyday earning money from letting tourists take photos of his incredible hirsuteness. And that’s it. That’s all he has to do, and he is now in people’s cameras all around the world as the man with the incredibly long ‘tache.

Wow huh? I mean, what to do with that knowledge? Here we all are, slaving away at our jobs whatever they may be, trying hard to earn a living, and there he is just holding his own moustache. How long did it take him to grow that? I’m not sure, but like every job there was probably a learning period where he could only hold it just past his own face and people would boo. Then over time he showed them. He showed those that mocked him. Before they knew it, or at least 5-6 months later, he was the mustachioed man, and they would all eat their own words. Words such as ‘stupid mustache’, ‘why are you wasting your time you idiot?’, and ‘I’ve got pubes bigger than that.’ Well, well done that man. Blew my tiny mind. I might give up this comedy lark and just stop shaving, then stand in Trafalgar square pulling my beard down to my knees and wrapping my mustache around my ears. You just watch me. Well don’t, it’ll take a while.

A SERIOUS NOTE

If you haven’t seen this, here is an account of a 15 year old girl that was arrested after occupying Fortnum and Mason’s on Saturday at the protest. Its horrific how she was treated. Anyone who thinks this sort of thing is ok really needs to reevaluate their ideals. Its so sad that we really do live in a police state where such things can happen:

http://www.latentexistence.me.uk/magiczebras-ukuncut-march26/

No Wings

DAY WASTER

Some days I do lots. Other days I meet my friend Little J (this is not her real name but she was pulling a sickie so for the sake of this blog, she shall be given a hip hop style moniker), we sit opposite each other sending video messages to each others phones saying we smell of wee and then spend ages constructing a complaint letter to Red Bull due to its false claims about bestowing wings on those that drink it. Here is that letter. If we have no response by Friday we will write again:

Dear Bull People (minotaurs?)

After much discussion we (Little J and Tiernan) have come to the conclusion that no matter how much Red Bull a person drinks, they, at no point, will develop actual wings. We have witnessed several people drink it at various times with no obvious winged development. In the last few years we have seen several cars that have artificial Red Bull cans attached to them and are not able to fly like a plane.

In addition to this I (Tiernan) have had your sugar free brand as being diabetic the normal version would kill me, and still haven’t gained bird attributes. Little J hasn’t tried either types of drink but thinks she has enough evidence of our argument based on eye witness accounts, and is therefore our control in this study.

So we put it to you, Red Bull, that are you making false claims with your advertising and should instead advertise with slogans such as ‘Red Bull – it makes you really hyper active and then you have a sugar crash.’* If however you can prove us wrong with pictures and video records of those who have actually gained physical wings from your energy drink then we will rescind our claim and assume we are sub normal humans who aren’t capable of further evolution through mass sugar and caffeine intake.

* this has also been witness by Little J ‘The Control’ as being true.

All the very

Tiernan ‘No Wings’ Douieb and Little J ‘The Control’

HORNE-Y

I went to see the Horne Section last night. I have heard many many things about it and finally managed to get along. I have to say my verdict is that its truly brilliant. An excellent concept for a show with so many lovely silly ideas and ways to keep it going that the two hours flew by. As well as being in fits of laughter from Alex Horne and his excellent band (particular favourite was the Sidemen song) my high point was seeing Harry Hill live on stage for the first time since his Hooves tour many moons ago. Its great to say the man still very much has it and there is one joke that has me still giggling today. I used to be such a huge fan of the Hill, going to see him live a few times with my brother and watching his first show, Man Alive and First Class Scamp on constant repeat. ‘What are the chances?’, ‘Goal’ and various comments on the badger parade were regular diatribe around the house during my teenage years. I still think that aside from Stewart Lee’s show, there are no longer comedy vehicle’s such as the Harry Hill show where an act can have their world fully visualized for the screen in the way Harry did. It was so great to see him still on fire at the Lyric Theatre. Not literally on fire, that’d be odd. I returned home and straight away started watching the DVD copy of have of his first VHS, remembering all the many ways to transport different types of bird.

MORE ANGRY THINGS

I accidentally read a copy of The Telegraph on my way home last night and felt angry for the duration of the journey. A front page spread about how the police are certain the anarchists from Saturday’s march will target the Royal Wedding, as though Al-Aaeda should move aside on the list of police’s pointless priorities and let some people who shout through to possibly cause a minor irritation to a hugely pointless day. Then there was the comment from Boris Johnson referring to everyone at the march and condemning Milliband from speaking at a violent event. Anyone reading that piece of wasted tree will be convinced that the whole demonstration was a terrible occurrence when, as I said in my blog on Sunday and anyone there will tell you, it was far from it. Anyway, I don’t need to tell you such things, but what you should watch is this video proving that the UK Uncut protestors in Fortnum and Mason’s were promised safe passage by the police once leaving the shop, before they were kettled and arrested. I think it helps to prove that out of those 200 ‘trouble makers’ that were arrested, most of them weren’t causing a problem in anyway and its all part of a need for the Met to look like they’re doing something and to put those who willingly accept the media’s hyperdermic needle effect to win them over and never demonstrate again out of fear.

Have a watch and pass it on

Cuts protesters claim police tricked them into mass arrest – The Guardian

Demonstrating Peacefully

Ignore what you’ve read on the news today, yesterday’s protest was nothing but a peaceful affair full of a happy unity between all those who felt they needed to speak out against the cuts happening in the UK. It really saddens me to read that over 150 harmless UK Uncut activists – the same people that sat patiently watching our gig in Soho Square yesterday afternoon, applauding and laughing away, the same people who were reported on Twitter by customers at Fortnum and Mason being respectful to the shop as they occupied it, posing neither a threat or a menace while making their point – have been locked up at various police stations around London. Once again, despite knowing that they too may be soon losing their jobs, there are reports of police attacking protesters with little provocation, a friend of mine witnessing a huge bulk of a cop punch a man passing by, letting the situation escalate into a full blown scuffle. On top of this several witnesses have stated that they saw a Sky News reporter pay someone to throw a brick at a bank window for the camera. What began as a wonderful day has again been twisted and warped by media and authority so that the people that want to be heard are dismissed as being associated with vandals.

I had a brilliant day yesterday. Starting with a hilarious incident on the tube, as it sat stuck in a tunnel before Waterloo, there was the usual huffing and puffing of annoyance with TFL. Then suddenly a man from Shropshire TUC shouted ‘They’re kettling us before we’ve even begun!’ and laughter erupted down the carriage. I walked from the station across the river, stopping to take pictures of the incredible march that seemed to go on forever. Banners both serious and humorous (my favourite was ‘I wish my boyfriend was as dirty as your policies’. Brilliant), musicians playing instruments, the less musically capable playing vuvuzelas, and everyone chanting, laughing, meeting new people and having fun. I darted through bits of the march to meet my friends Suze and Marlon at Trafalgar Square and it seemed as though London was filled with people who had no intention of causing trouble, but wanted the world to know they were unhappy with the way we have all been treated.

Joining the rest of the UK Uncut lot at Soho Square I has some apprehensions about occupying a bank to do our gig in. This is mainly because I am a wuss at such things, and being handed a ‘bust card’ (note: this doesn’t mean I can touch boobs when I like unfortunately), I didn’t give the reponse of appreciation that others did, but more a sigh of worry at the idea of being arrested. The police were already crowding round, and several helicopters circling overhead. As we headed towards our place of occupation, we discovered that the cops had done their research and closed all the banks and tax dodging shops in anticipation so we darted back into Soho Square. There, to at least 100 people, Chris Coltrane hosted a gig that featured Josie Long, Mark Thomas, several other acts and myself, that caused a response of exhilaration, excitement and giggles. Each using gags to have a go at current issues, it felt like (and without fear of sounding wanky) we were doing comedy with a purpose, something that was cemented by being notified of this on the Guardian website:

FULL ARTICLE HERE

’4.17pm: Jamie Kelsey, a contributing editor of the New Internationalist magazine who is at the demonstration, says that the protest is providing a political education to many young people in attendance.

We’re at Oxford Circus at the moment and it’s a really excellent festival atmosphere. I just spoke to two teenagers aged 17 and 19 who have come from the comedy show in Soho Square, and they said that what they heard there made them think more than anything they have ever learnt at school. It’s their first demonstration and when I asked why they came they said they realised that the demonstration is about more than just the UK.

They can understand the connection between the shops and the banks that people are target ting and the global situation that is effecting everyone. They’ve heard Mark Thomas and a disabled comedian and Johann Hari speak. For these teenagers the protest is absolutely opening their minds to a much wider picture. It’s very exciting.’

And that makes it worth it as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully events like that, the majority of the march and all those who enjoyed yesterday will go away and spread the word that the news isn’t telling the truth and there is a point to protesting. Yes Vince Cable today said they wouldn’t be changing anything, but at least they know that we aren’t going to just sit down and take it. Protests will keep happening and hopefully the worse things get the more people will join in stating their upset. I hope that all those who are currently in police stations for merely standing up for what they believe in and opposing large companies stealing money from this country while disability benefits are being cut, are all ok. Thoughts go to you and everyone who suffered unnecessary violence and victimisation at what would have been, sans police, a truly brilliant day. For anyone who wasn’t there, all I ask is you read @PennyRed, @JohannHari101 and @chris_coltrane’s Twitter feed as well as accounts of people who were there to find out what really happened and not how Murdoch and Cameron have told the press to say it.

Right I shall get off my high Shetland pony now and return to the non-activism I’ve been exhibiting all day as I stay on the sofa.