Fire Zombies

I don’t have to do a thing today. I’m trying my best efforts not to leave the house unless absolutely necessary. Necessary means things like ‘if the house was filled with zombies’, ‘if the house was on fire’ or ‘if the house was filled with fire zombies’, so chances are high I’m going nowhere. The weather, accordingly, is looking shit and so there is little guilt to be had about me sitting on our sofa in my onesi watching films and spending far too much time on the Xbox. Yes, after a long hiatus from Xbox action since May, I am now addicted to a computer game again after having purchased Batman: Arkham City. I had temporarily pretended that I no longer had a need for computer games and that somehow, I’d accidentally grown up. Turns out though, its just that I was too poor to get good games and whilst on the one hand I used to think that playing computer games had no viable achievement in the real world, I now feel like every time I turn the console off, the citizens of Gotham are feeling my absence. I know they’re only virtual, but I’m a righteous guy and real or not, they need me to be glued to the TV screen like a penguin with a torchlight (yes I know I keep referencing penguins with torchlights, blame Frozen Planet) to stop them from suffering.

Once again, after having missed blogging yesterday – which in turn means you missed me gushing about the brilliance of DJ Shadow for four paragraphs, which I think would be trying on even the most stoic of readers – here’s a collection of things that have been gently dancing on the Tiernan brain for the past two days:

Christmas Markets – The name of such an event fills my heart with small bouncing baubles of joy. I know baubles don’t bounce, they just smash, unremittingly, on the living room floor in a symbol that says ‘Christmas is dead’ more than anything else. I’ve spent one Xmas in my life with pet kittens. I know how it works. I chose baubles as after hearing that my local area had a Christmas Market yesterday, me and L leapt into action, stomping up the hill expecting free mince pies, mulled wine galore and much festive fun. Instead, the shattered reality of Christmas as an adult showed itself as a series of tables with very bored people sat at them, all trying to sell real tat such as candles and knitted things, in a recession. No one wants these things at the best of times, and even though our area is filled with some wealthy residents, its not what’s needed now. I can’t help but feel if they’d just sold tinned goods and firewood, they’d have made far more of a profit.

Euro Veto – According to popularity polls, Cameron has gone up in opinions as PM after him making us the lone contender in Europe. Newspapers compared him to Churchill, failing to point out that Churchill’s ‘fuck you’ was during a war and towards the destruction of our country and the tirade of a very evil dictator. Cameron’s was to a contingency that has left us with a single market of 60 million rather than a possible market of 500 million. Something I really don’t think is very clever in this constant ‘recession’ we are being told about. Clegg has expressed his disdain and even though I’m not a fan of the turncoat either, I very much hope that the Conservatives decision to Veto the Eurozone treaty will turn the pro-Europe Lib Dems fully against them, losing the Conservatives the majority in parliament and royally screwing them as a party even more. I just pray the UK public don’t keep praising the PM for what I’m fairly sure will reveal itself to be a huge error for years to come, and end up voting the Tories in with a majority next time round, allowing them to get away with destroying this country in a fashion Godzilla would have felt harsh.

Komedia Brighton – I really wish the Komedia Brighton would run courses for other gig promoters in how a gig should be run. I honestly believe that across the UK you will only find a handful of places (the Stand and Get Stuffed in Tring to name but two) that care for the comics so well and run a gig with such efficiency and dedication. Well done them, a bloody joy to play it really is.

Dermot – I like Dermot O’Leary on the Radio. I’m not sure what happens to him once he leaves the BBC Radio studios and heads towards X-Factor but its as though his personality, inquisitive nature and joy for actual music dies, half his brain switches off and he just goes to auto-pilot. Fair play to him for being able to do this, and I like that his Saturday afternoon show proves he is a human being of sorts. I was listening to him yesterday though when something strange happened. He was interviewing James Blake, a man who as of recent times, I have become as geeky about his music as I have DJ Shadow’s and have been known to purchase the Blake’s music the second it arrives on iTunes. I still don’t know how to class his music but unlike Dermot, I wouldn’t have used the word ‘weird’. Yep. After a beautiful live version of ‘Lindesfarne’, Dermot said to Blake ‘that was great and weird’. No. What happened to Dermot? It’s as though someone had accidentally put the X-Factor him on the radio instead and this ignorant and tactless man incapable of being able to vocalise how he feels about a type of very original music from a guest he had invited on appeared and demeaned all of his efforts in seconds. Whatever you may think of James Blake, if he was sitting there, you wouldn’t say his music was weird. At least go for ‘interesting’ which we all know means ‘not for me, but hey ho’, or original which means ‘not for me, but hey ho’. Not weird, which out and out means ‘not for me, and really fucking weird’. Bring back old Dermot who was excited about hearing new and original music. With the demise of Giles Peterson’s radio show on 1, and Mark Lamarr leaving Radio 2, there’s so few DJs that actually give a window to new and interesting musicians who don’t just churn out the same manufactured shit as everyone else. It’s like the whole world is becoming a shambolic Christmas market. So much promise yet only the delivery of bland things no one really wants.

DJ Shadow – was fucking amazing.

Think ‘pon that world. Think ‘pon that.

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Mind Numb

I’m sure I’ve complained about this loads in the last few weeks (I never re-read my blogs. True story. You could tell me that last week I wrote about that cyclops that killed my cat and I’d totally believe you), but I am stuck in a massive writer’s block. If Writer’s Block was a place, I’d be in the flat on the 14th floor where the lift is broken, the stairs smell of wee and my only window looks out onto an air vent. My cupboards would only have tinned food in, the TV would be stuck on one of those endless sales channels where people insist they are enjoying selling china ornaments of Jade Goody over and over again, and I’d only have those mini-books on the shelves that people read once when they are on the loo, chuckle maybe twice throughout and then find a place to hide them. That’s how bleak my writing brain is right now. Add that to the fact that I’ve just read three Walking Dead graphic novels in quick succession (volumes 12-14 geek fans) which ended on the most miserable note since Massive Attack put that horrible wave sound for 3 minutes as an extra track on 100th Window (if you haven’t heard it, don’t. It makes my ears want to cry with dull).

I blame a number of things for my inability to make happy quips. A comic needs inspiration from somewhere and lately, I have been surrounded by dull. This article yesterday, by Stuart Jeffries in The Guardian sums it up nicely:

THE NEW BORING

 

As far as I’m concerned, that nails it. Society is really boring right now. I got caught watching some pap for Children in Need on BBC1 last night as organised by Tory Boring King Gary Barlow, and felt glued to the screen even though every second of Jamie Cullum singing with Hugh Laurie felt like it wrenched creativity from my very soul, threw it under a dog and let that dog crap on it. I held on till Guy Garvey and Elbow helped replenish tiny bits of joy, heard Fearne Cotton announce JLS and turned off the TV quicker than a neutrino (yeah! Current reference!), before condemning myself to read about zombies. Ironic really as most people watching that shit resemble zombies far better than any horror creation. Apart from Frozen Planet though, and watching Adventure Time and Louie on my laptop, there is nothing exciting on telly at all. It’s all just bland.

Then why not write about the real world Tiernan? Well I will, and I have been but it strikes me more and more that while when playing fun small non paying clubs around the country during the week people will happily get on board with some chat about the Eurozone crisis and how evil Cameron is, the big payers at the end of the week have audiences of people who want the comedic equivalent of easy listening. Please don’t remind us at the end of a hard week’s work just how shit things are, please just point out things in the world that are obvious and we all know are funny without having to read.

Add to this that its cold, actually cold now, I’m generally happy in life and I just want to hide under my duvet with an X-Box game and zombie books and wait until global warming kills off all the incompetent people in the world so we can have fun again. Sorry. This blog wasn’t meant to end like that. During writing I got a phone call saying my gig for tonight and tomorrow has moved from Watford to Basildon and I honestly felt seconds away from just putting my face through my laptop screen as I think about how many times I might have to talk about ‘vajazzles’ just to get a laugh. This was posted on the Guardian today:

THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE STORE

Bring it. I’m ready now.

Hallo Ian

Ah Halloween, the night where lots of people, completely forgetting the original roots of Samhain celebrating the harvest and ‘dark half’ of the year arriving, all dress up as twats to run around pretending that scary things are fun. They aren’t fun. Sure you go ahead and dress up as zombies, having a laugh and a giggle, but should zombies ever attack you’ll be sorry you mocked them. Oh haha you’re a vampire, brilliant. Let’s all mock creatures whose soul purpose in existence is to suck the blood from people until they either die or undie, going on to suck others blood and starting again. Ghosts aren’t fun, have you seen Paranormal Activity? No, me either. I’m too scared. Werewolves are a pet you can only have once a month which is disappointing to any child and Mummies just confuse emergency services people when you wear the costume then get drunk and injured. Is he already fixed? No one knows.

Then there are those who dress up as superheroes and celebrities. Now, while I think those who costume themselves as denizens of evil are asking for trouble, at least they honour the celebration in order with what it became after many Chinese/Celtic/American whispers. Pretending they have breached the walls between the living and the dead, that are at their thinnest on Hallows Eve. Looking at the ancient Celtic tradition of leaving a place at dinner for the dead even though they probably want brains and you’ve made potatoes. So I can get why you might dress as Michael Myers for such an event. But why oh why would you be Spiderman? Oh hey, I love the idea of dressing as Spiderman. Don’t get me wrong. If I could find a flattering enough suit, I’d dress as Spiderman every single day. But he’s not remotely a ghoul. He’s not even scary or evil. He’s a champion of people. Since when did Halloween become ‘let’s all just dress as whoever we like then get pissed?’ Being dressed as one of Marvel’s top characters isn’t going to scare the shit out of other drunk revellers is it?

Nor does being a celebrity. Yes some of them are terrifying. Yes, if I met Lady Gaga in a dark alley all covered in meat I’d scream and run away. But she’s not undead. The exception to this are all the people who were dressed up as Steve Jobs or Jimmy Saville. You might say that they too aren’t scary, but since Steve has died Blackberry has fucked up so he clearly has otherworldly powers and just imagine all the children Jimmy’s ghost will try to fix it for and it makes you shudder.

All I’m saying is that I’d like Halloween to be proper terrifying again. I want people to dress up in black cloaks with huge scythes, I want people to stop trying to look sexy and just give themselves horrific looking head wound make up, and I want people to dress up as witch finder generals and dunk anyone who’s in a short skirt in water. Ok, so maybe the last bit is a bit harsh, and maybe getting someone wet when they’re only in a short skirt sounds more pervy than I meant it to be. I’m just saying no longer do I want to hide in at Halloween scared of children throwing eggs at my house, and more I want to hide because I don’t want to open the door to the clown from IT and the ghost of a small girl holding a spurtle. You know small girl ghosts are scary. FACT.

Right, I’m not sure where this blog is going but I’ve got opinions and I’ll just shout them around till someone listens. Or tells me to stop. So we’ll just close this blog. Before we do though, here are some small things:

- Yesterday I went to see Dylan Moran then I met Dylan Moran. Hooray! Dylan Moran!

- In live performance, I have no idea what the Rubberbandits are saying. No clue.

- Yesterday I chased Keith Farnan around the stage at Comedy Club 4 Kids hiding behind a giant inflatable Bulmers Pear. We said it was a ‘pear wolf’. I am more proud of this than you can imagine.

- My new favourite phrase what I made is ‘Captain Whatthefuck?’ Keith added to this with ‘Lieutenant Giveashit’. More swears with ranks please.

- I still love Galway.

Maltesing pt 2

Sorry for a lack of a blog yesterday but I was very busy being a) hungover and b) hanging out at the blue lagoon. Yes, that’s right. The Blue Lagoon. No, Brooke Shields wasn’t there. Yes, we were all disappointed. Instead there was the most beautiful clear blue water I’ve ever seen in my life, and a lot of idiots crowding the area. Idiots who liked pushing you out of the way to look at the beautiful blue water, and idiots who barged past you to make sure they got on the boat home first ensuring that we, following with Malta’s lack of health and safety standards, had to sit atop of the boat driver’s section and cling on for our lives as it bounced over the choppy waters. That and a dive off a rock into the sea have generally meant that this trip has, so far, been one of an adrenaline junkie. A really really tame adrenaline junkie. Who doesn’t like sitting on top of boats.

 

The weekend could well get even more exciting as of today. On Friday night whilst BBQing at our delightful host’s glorious house, we learnt knowledge that Brad Pitt is currently over here filming only the movie version of my favourite zombie film ever! That’s right, World War Z is mostly being shot here at the moment and so I am making it my mission today to find out exactly where, get a cameo as a zombie then get Brad to come along to tonight’s gig. My plan is very simple: Turn up to the shoot, say hello, do my zombie impression, win over the entire crew and cast and then do some filming then high five Brad and do a show. Easy huh? Yeah I thought so too. I mean, what are the chances of it being filmed right here right now, whilst I am also here right here right now? Slim to none, so it must have been done on purpose. FACT.

 

Not much else to report so here are some quick Malta notes:

- The Maltese like to feed you until you want to cry. They are so insistent on repeatedly bringing out food that in one meal you consume enough for six meals simply out of politeness. They are apparently the most obese country in Europe. They are also the most invaded island in the world. I think these two go hand in hand as they are too fat to defend themselves.

- Malta has the best buses in the world. They are amazing 1950′s style vehicles and totally rock. Sadly, as of tomorrow, they are being decommissioned. Rubbishness. I really want to get on one and ask ‘Hey where’s this bus going?’ fully expecting the reply to be ’1953! Pool party!’ or something like that. I hate it when people take away fun things.

- We saw a boat with the logo ‘Yellow Fun Watersports’. Tee hee hee hee.

I have 2 mins of internet left so I shall resume blogging tomorrow from the homelands. Or Brad Pitt’s winniebago.

Banter

BANTER

There are several words I probably use too much at the moment. Among these are ‘ace’ which I very much like using as I remember using it way back in the 90′s and its verbal resurrection gives me both nostalgia and the confidence that it is a word that, through concerted historical effort, gives gravitas to its slang meaning. There are few people out there who upon hearing something was ‘ace’ would be unsure of its goodness. Unless you were the opposing player at a series of high stake card games. The other word I’m using a fair amount is ‘hella’. I like this word and its used fully tongue in cheek, having gained it from a South Park episode many years ago and its taken some time to properly infiltrate my vocab. Now its here and I’m hella pleased about it. See? That was its correct use. To take a biblical ideology, cut off the corners and put it unnecessarily amongst other words it doesn’t hang out with. There are quite a few others but the that bothered Nat the other day is ‘banter’, berated me for using it instead of ‘conversation’ or ‘chat’. Thing is, banter is a whole different ball game to those other words. Whilst conversation could be about a mortgage or paint drying or Boring McBoreason’s Boring Dog Boreface, banter is always more jovial than that. There is, supposedly an art to conversation. Well I would suggest that while that art is perhaps Constable or something sensible like that, banter is the art that people would actually put up on their walls to make a room look more exciting. I would name people but I know full that whoever I say there will be some criticism of my choice. Art is very much enjoyed on a personal level and one man’s Pollock is very much another’s 3 year old painting baboon. I am that second man. Sigh.

Last night, when meeting my friend Jacqui, we definitely had ‘banter’. To describe it as anything less would be insulting. I’ve known Jacqui for donkey’s years (I am assuming that most donkeys are about 12 years old) and she is one of my favourite people to chat absolute shit with. Sure there was some actual chat in there, some life commentary and that, but there was also a lengthy discussion about how we would survive if the world was attacked by zombies, robots and natural disasters all at once. Through some careful planning, we have managed to create a fool proof plan, although should an earthquake open up the ground underneath us, we’d fail. Aside from that, we’d have a floating house in the middle of a lake (inland, no danger of tsunamis), that’s anchored in place. The lake would have a 100ft moat around the edge allowing all zombies to fall in it and be trapped. The house would have its own EMP system to destroy all robots that managed to get through the lake in the first place, and we would travel around on jet skis to a small ramp that contained our armoured truck. I think you’ll find we’ll be fine. Start bidding for your place in our hella pad right now. That is banter. Right frikkin’ there. I choose to maintain the use of this word in its correct and appropriate usage and when I choose to merely have a conversation, I shall do so. Until then zombies, robots and er, natural disasters, beware.

LIBYA

Ok so Gaddiffi is a bad guy. This is all very obvious. But at the same time, has no one learnt anything from the war in Iraq? This all feels like a terrible reprise of such events with already 64 people being killed over the weekend from missile strikes. The government are being very quick to say they don’t want to hurt any civilians, whilst at no point confirming if that’s who’s died in the first place. Sure there have been an airstrike or two that have been cancelled due to civilians being spotted etc but I fear its only a matter of time before this caution is ignored. In the words of Han Solo ‘I got a bad feeling about this.’ If only Western leaders would realise that nearly everytime they create one of these monsters through arms deals and oil bidding, they have to remove them at the expense of innocent lives. Again that always seems to come second to getting money in their pockets. Well more fool them as when the robot zombie disaster apocalypse comes money will be irrelevant. Idiots.

So yeah, thoroughly depressing news that I’m finding it hard to make light of in anyway. The best so far I can do is to read every statement from the MoD as though it says Mod, and its being made by a 1960′s ska fan in a pork pie hat. This doesn’t work that much.